Christmas Present- No More Waaaas

If you just met me and/or just became my Facebook friend, you might think that I am Mrs. Christmas, full of happiness and joy and ahhhhh. But wait (insert record scratch sound)...You may not know that I used to be a pretty big Grinch. I wasn't really grumpy, no it was more like I was sad and maybe jealous and possibly a little bit bitter. Can I blame it on my mother? Um, YES! I can (and will!)  also blame my ineffective coping skills and poor life choices. Hell, I can even blame picking "communications" as my major in college and never getting a great job that paid a million dollars.  

So yeah, for years Christmas and all the joy and expectations associated with the holiday season filled me with a sense of Christmas Past doom and gloom. It reminded me of Christmas Eves as a teenager spent with my mother crying and me saying silent prayers that her life, our life, would change. My mom was sad and suffering from undiagnosed mental illness(es) all those years ago. She was also in the beginning stages of an impressive opiate addiction. But back then, a million years ago in the 1980s, nobody talked about stuff like they do now. All I knew was that she cried and was sad and upset, and that she usually ended up yelling about our father who had divorced her and "ruined her life," and then maybe she'd say something cruel to my sister, brother or me and then go into her room to be alone. 

As I got older, the holidays didn't get easier. My mom was still sad and suffering. I was still silently praying for a Christmas miracle, that she would be happy again and that everything wouldn't be so sad and so tense. The older I got, the less I prayed and the less hopeful I became. Waaaaa. 

But wait (record scratch again).... I fell in love and got married and had my own babies. Hope! Except I couldn't shake my holiday bitterness and hold-over childhood Christmas anxiety. To make things more annoying, my fancy "communications" job didn't pay much and I felt stressed out about money and buying presents. Waaaaa.

Every Christmas season I went through the motions. I got the babies' pictures taken at Sears and made them into Christmas cards (oh my god! it was before digital cameras and Facebook and I feel so old!) and mailed them to everyone I knew. I started traditions. I married into a tradition-rich family who loved Christmas like no other family I'd ever met. I enjoyed watching my babies and sort of enjoyed parts of the season. But the anxiety, the bitterness, the angst stayed with me like a bad habit. I spent much of the season a little short of breath and grumpy and crying off and on and resenting my mother and Christmas Past. Waaaaa.

But wait (record scratch yet again)...over the past couple years I started to feel less angst and more joy. I'm older and wiser. Here's the real turning point, now when I think about Christmas Past I think about the history I've made with my own sweet family. I've been Christmas-ing as a mother myself now for 14 years. The memories we talk about are the traditions my husband and I created with our own kids. We laugh about the time Peyton ate ALL the candy canes when he was a toddler and how Wade literally climbed up the Christmas tree and how Lucy always got so into the "magic of the season" and how JT always had/has to visit Santa to tell him exactly what he wants. 

These are my memories now. This is what fills my Christmas Past.

I moved on a little, I let go a little, I healed a little. The relationship with my mother is still sad and tense and uncomfortable and I do not see her at Christmas. There will inevitably be a moment where my heart hurts because of my relationship with my mother and her sadness and for all the Christmases that were spent with us crying and hurting alone in our rooms. But I won't get stuck in those feelings. I look around at the family I've worked so damn hard to build and protect and the only thing I feel is love and joy and tremendous gratitude.

So yeah, I'm THAT lady posting on Facebook about my Christmas tree cutting tradition and hanging paper snowflakes around my house and smiling in pictures and maybe even wearing a god damn sequined Christmas sweater. I'm smiling because I'm grateful and full of love and pride and my god, it's all so much silly fun. I'm smiling because I get what it's like to feel alone and bitter and jealous, and um, joy feels so much better. There's a lot of Christmas Past for a lot of people. I get it. My Christmas wish/prayer is that everyone gets a little healing, a little moving on, a little silly holiday fun and joy and love. If that's not possible right now, I hope for the season to move swiftly without too much pain and that my pictures don't annoy you too much.

I still stress out about money and never have enough around Christmas, but the paper snowflakes and Christmas tree-shaped cake do make the stress better. And so do my funny, go-with-the-flow, cool kids and patient, loving husband. My right now, my Christmas Present, is pretty rad and I'm loving it and going to be posting about it all over social media and Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and ahhhhh! (no more record scratches, no more waaaaaa's)

Here's our silly Bring Back the Elf Magic Night tradition:

I'm hard at work hanging my paper snowflakes. lol.

On Elf Night we have waffles and marshmallows for dinner.
The kids love it.

Our elf on the shelf is an old wrestling figure that we named Keith and he is the guest of honor at Elf Night.
Here's the story of Keith.

After dinner and after the elf magic ceremony, we watch the movie Elf together. 

Keith doesn't get too crazy. He just kind of shows up around the house in different spots until Christmas. Sometimes he leaves notes for the kids but he's not very tricky or naughty.

Here's a short video from our Elf Night-

(Click here to watch the video.)

Not Complicated, Weird or Hard

Last week, we hit the road to go to my sister's for Thanksgiving.  It's the first time my sister has hosted since the Thanksgiving my mother fell down the stairs and broke her neck. That was three years ago but it feels like longer.  

The last three years have been full of a lot of life, for all of us.  My mother's neck healed, but our  family remained sort of even more broken than we were before.  Because it's complicated, it's all complicated and full of sadness and pain from the past, fear of the future, setting boundaries, moving on, remembering and forgetting, forgiving and protecting ourselves and our children and letting go of expectations and pressure.

It's weird when your family holidays don't look like holidays on TV, even the messed up ones.  It's weird to explain to your kids who are older and wiser and ask a lot more questions, why you don't want to get together with family on holidays.  

It's hard to explain to others and yourself how you feel guilty because you feel happier when some family members aren't with you on holidays.

So yeah, Thanksgiving has been complicated and weird and hard for the past few years.  

My sister and I have even had a pretty complicated few years, but we've worked on some things.  We are different from each other, like way different, like yin and yang different.  But we know things about life that no one else will know...like what it's like to have our mother for a mother.  Even though we react differently and cope differently, we know the same things.  We know that it finally felt right to do a Thanksgiving together at her house.  And that we both felt pretty strongly that our mother wouldn't be invited.  Not everyone gets that, but she and I do.  She and I know that sometimes when families and holidays are complicated, weird and hard that it's better and safer and healthier to set boundaries and move on and forgive and not invite mothers.

What we ended up having was a holiday filled with lots of food and talking and hanging out and trying to get our tweens/teens to go to sleep before midnight and shopping and football watching and dancing in the kitchen and more eating and laughing and relaxing.  It wasn't complicated or weird or hard and it felt fucking great.

This is the best car I've ever seen on any highway anywhere.  It is what some people might call fly or dope.
And by some people, I mean me!

My brother-in-law's love language is baking and I think that is kind of awesome.

Go Lions!

It's just kind of crazy that my sister and I are mothers to all of these big kids.  

My sister does not have a very large social media presence at all...I call her the white shadow of Facebook because we NEVER see her.  I was teaching her to take selfies while avoiding post-Thanksgiving dinner clean up.

My sister got really into the shopping thing and was looking up deals and checking flyers on Thanksgiving night.  I claim to be against such consumerism, but agreed to go along with her.  Well, I sort of had the best time.  I ended up wishing I had a ton more money so I could buy, buy, buy (so much for my anti-consumerism).  I also got the chance to get a latte, get political and dance.  So , yeah, I love Black Friday shopping...it's a party!  

Love this flask at Francesca's.

I picked out a shirt for JT that was reduced like a billion percent and I got in line to buy it.  Once I got to the checkout I realized it was from a celebrity that has homophobic relatives that are super vocal and um, I had to respectfully decline to purchase.  Boosh! Economic protest.  It felt good.  Then my sister took me to Lululemon and I couldn't afford even one headband, but they had a DJ and that made me beyond happy.  A DJ!  So I danced and it was so fun.  

My real dream job, seriously.

I can't afford anything in this store but they have a DJ so I must dance!!!!! #blackfriday #danceeverywhere

A video posted by Angela Youngblood (@jumpingwithmyfingerscrossed) on Nov 11, 2014 at 6:53am PST

There was nothing complicated, weird or hard about Black Friday shopping either.

It felt like we got to be a normal family having a normal great holiday weekend.  Our kids played together, we all played together. Pick up football games in the park, Moms vs. Daughters soccer matches and hours of Stratego and Risk. 

Here's to setting boundaries, mending fences, forgetting and remembering, letting go of expectations and pressure, not inviting toxic family members, eating lots of food, dancing in the kitchen, playing games and talking and laughing and shopping and enjoying holidays.  Here's to Thanksgivings not having to be complicated, weird and hard.

Sums up the weekend.

Merry/Happy Thanksgiving/Christmas/Holiday Season

I will admit that over the years the holidays haven't really been my thing.  Due to a few painful childhood memories, a constantly limited budget and too much damn pressure, my reaction to the holidays was usually to retreat.  Even after my kids were born, I struggled.  I loved making new memories with them, but my uneasiness lingered.  But something strange is happening.   Maybe it's the fact that I'm getting older older and I've been a parent for 13 years, I don't know.   I feel like I am far enough away from painful memories and I've created so many years of good times with my own sweet family,  well, the holidays just aren't feeling as overwhelming right now.

I'm not rolling my eyes when I hear people talk about decorating before Thanksgiving or when I hear the first Nat King Cole Christmas song on the radio.  I smile to myself like I picture a kind grandma doing when I hear people feverishly complain about stores being open on Thanksgiving like their lives depended on it instead of making fun of them in my head.  It's strange, but good.

I'm considering forgetting Thanksgiving all together and not feeling badly about it.  I mean why not? It got so cold here this week and snowed, it feels more like Christmas anyway. 

Yesterday it was 12 degrees so I started making paper snowflakes and we had hot cocoa with whipped cream after school.  It all felt very holiday-ish and I didn't feel twitchy or wrong.  It's strange, but good.

One part of the holidays that I have truly always loved and has helped get me get out of my painful funks over the years is helping others.  

This year I got to make a video about a book drive for one of my favorite nonprofits Charlotte's Wings (I've written about them here and here and here).  It is an amazing nonprofit that collects and donates new books to children and families in hospital or hospice care in Michigan. Here's a link to a great article about the book drive at Barnes & Noble in Rochester Hills.   Check out the video (and if you live in the area go donate a book).


Charlotte's Wings Book Drive at Barnes & Noble 2014 Final Version from Jumping With My Fingers Crossed on Vimeo.

Wondering how to make a difference this holiday season?  It's simple.  Do something.  Volunteer at a soup kitchen, invite a lonely friend over for dinner, visit a nursing home or hospital, offer to babysit your neighbor's kids for an afternoon, make dinner for someone, find a book drive or a toy drive or a coat drive.  Get into the spirit of the season.

I'm feeling strangely ready to sing a Christmas song, eat turkey, watch football, watch The Polar Express and go volunteer.  Happy/Merry Thanksgiving/Christmas/Holiday Season!!! Bring it on, I am ready, I think.  It's strange, but good.  


How do YOU feel?  Are you decorating?  Do you love the holidays?  Do you and your family get involved in community service, what do you do?


Just for fun and because I'm feeling so holiday-ish, here's a funny holiday song/video from Kristen Bell- Text Me Merry Christmas

Christmas Eve Coping and Believing

I spent most of yesterday walking around on the verge of tears.  Okay, I went over the verge quite a few times.  Things just felt all wrong--nothing was working out the way it was supposed to work out.

The day and night before had been so promising and full of holiday happiness.

Lulu's impromptu holiday jam session on the piano interrupted by a streaker.  She had no idea and didn't miss a beat.

A busy, chaotic living room.  I love it like this.

Even though we had to cancel our grown up party plans because of sitter issues and Wade having an allergic reaction, we had a nice evening.  The family watched Elf and laughed at all the silliness and joy.  Who doesn't love when Buddy says "I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite."




But the next morning, yesterday, we woke up to discover Wade's allergy was more like a rash and was more like nobody is going to want this kid at a pageant or holiday dinner.

I am not good with change and no control.  That might surprise you because I certainly lack control a lot of times and have no real organizational skills or life plan.  But you see, this chaos that is my life is usually my doing.   I'm fine with no plan as long as I am the one controlling the fact that we have no plan.  Is that confusing?

Bottom line is this: I had an expectation of what Christmas Eve and Christmas was going to be like and the rash f@*&ed it up.  And I lack the coping skills to deal.


My children are so very excited about Christmas that they didn't notice how weepy I was.  They went about the business of being kids two days before Christmas--bickering a little bit, singing Jingle Bells, shaking presents already under the tree, counting the hours until Santa starts his journey across the world, etc.

Sweet JT watching his Santa video.  He's a total believer in the magic of Christmas.

Tim stayed home from church with Wade because of the baby's horrific and most likely terribly contagious rash.  While he was home he made videos with special messages from Santa on Portable North Pole.  It's a really fun site and the videos are amazing and can be personalized.  After church, the kids watched.  They all liked them, but JT LOVED his video.  He loved it like a kid that really believes.  He believes with every ounce of his little being.  He believes in the magic, the wonder, the possibility.  He believes in Santa.

It got me out of my funk for a few minutes.
Then we had a family game night, which was also pretty awesome.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted.  Exhausted from crying and being bummed out and then being happy and hopeful and then being sad that Wade will most likely miss out on the Christmas Eve celebration at the in-laws and I was going to miss out on being a co-Angel of the Lord with Lucy in the pageant.  Waaaa.

I was really ready for the kids to go to bed.  JT asked to sleep on the floor in Lucy's room and we said sure.  Shortly after they went up to bed, Lucy came down to get me.  "JT is crying because he's going to miss Keith Babu," she informed me.  "You better come up."

I found my little guy crying his heart out.  So sad because Keith Babu our homemade Elf-on-the-Shelf (an old wrestling action figure) was leaving to go back to the North Pole tomorrow.  

Turns out I'm not the only one who can't deal with change.  Wait, is that sad/embarrassing that I relate so well with a 6-year-old?

JT has been drawing pictures of his new best friend for the past two weeks.

Bottom line: holidays are emotional, change is hard and my little believer doesn't want his new best elf friend to leave.

Here's a note JT and Lucy left for Keith Babu:

Notice how we all spell Keith Babu's name differently? And how Lucy was trying to get her big brother on the naughty list? Nice.

I sat down next to JT and comforted him.
"Everything is going to be okay," I told him.  "Think about all the happy things that are happening right now," I told him, and myself.  "Don't worry about the things that make you upset, feel good about all the wonderful things."

After a good cry, JT and I will be fine.  
Just like JT, I'm a believer.  I believe that even though I lack coping skills, I will bounce back and feel good about all the wonderful things and make the best of it, for the whole family.

Bottom line: I believe it will be a merry Christmas, hideous rash and all.

Here's the note that Keith Babu (aka Mr. Christmas himself, my husband Tim) left for the kids in response to JT and Lucy's note:

That's pretty wonderful.

Speaking of wonderful things, here is the winner of the Joyful Giveaway sponsored by catching fireflies is Wendy.  
Her beautiful comment was selected by using Random.org.

Wendy

Joy... Hmmm at this very moment is Simplicity. Hugs, tears, giggles, snowdays (school just canceled for tomorrow), Legos, vhs tapes of my old favs that my kids have discovered, believing in Santa and 'elves' living all over the house each night, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, board games and hot cocoa. Singing Silent night at mass on Christmas eve & holding hands with my husband and children while we recite the Our Father at mass. And Joy may be winning a prize on Monday! Lol

Check out some of the other inspiring comments about joyful moments here.


Merry Christmas Eve everyone!

Where To Start?

"Going anywhere for Thanksgiving?," someone asked me last week before the big holiday.

"Ugh, yes, my mother's," I said with an eye roll.  "I haven't seen in here in almost a year, should be fun," I added a bit flippantly.

The person (a nice, normal looking mom in the waiting room at Wade's speech therapy class) looked at me very seriously with wide innocent eyes and said "oh, I'm sorry, I can't imagine that."

"Oh, she's a little crazy and an addict and well, um, it's complicated," I said with a wave of my hand.  "What are your plans?," I quickly asked changing the focus.

I forget that not everyone can understand having a mother like mine.

This year, Thanksgiving was, Thanksgiving-y.  

Brothers and cousin.  Boys + giant leaf pile= fun (and leaves in their mouths, but they didn't seem to mind that much).

Turkey.

Only Lucy's plate looked like this.  Who doesn't eat turkey on Thanksgiving? Come on!

There was turkey and stuffing, football on TV (per tradition the Lions lost), cousins playing, pie.   It was, um, well, fine.  Which is a million times better than last year.

Last Thanksgiving was pretty hellish.  Right before we all sat down to eat dinner at my sister's house, my mother fell down the stairs and broke her neck (read the whole horrible story here).    The rest of the weekend last year was spent waiting in the hospital, trying to figure out all the details of a very complicated medical case that is my mother.

A lot of times writing about my mother, thinking about my mother or trying to explain my mother gets confusing.  Where do I start?  Do I go back and tell people about how she really was such a sweet, fun, loving mother when I was a little girl? Do I tell people what it was like as a teenager watching her heart break, her mind go manic and her body go heavy with the deepest, darkest depression?

Do I tell the stories about her her desperation for a connection to somebody, anybody?  How she used to pour her heart out to anyone who would listen, even the Encyclopedia salesperson that came to the door? Yes, people I am so old that salespeople, selling research manuals, actually went door to door.  Do I tell people how he looked like he would hand over his daily sales just to get the hell out of there?

Or do I tell people about the alcohol and drug addiction that she's battled for over 20 years?  Do I tell people that when she moved to California when I was 17 to marry someone she knew only a couple months (and didn't invite me or my siblings to the wedding) it was the best thing that ever happened to me?  I was 17 and on my own and able to break free of the negative spell she cast on me.  Free to discover that I wasn't the horrible, unintelligent, insensitive, slutty person she had me believing I was.

Maybe I should tell people that I'm not angry or bitter.  

I'm tired. My mother seemingly has more than nine lives. Accidents (cars, stairs, overdoses, etc.) don't stop her.  And just try to help her...she'll suck the life out of you.  That's what happened the last two years, when I went to her bedside when the the hospital or neighbor called.

I'm sad sometimes.  It's all a little overwhelming when I think about how full her life could be.  And even though I am almost 40, there are moments when I long for a mother.  A mother who could give me advice and unconditional love and make me feel stronger, better.

I'm not angry.  It is very hard to be angry or hateful about mental illness.  And my mother suffers from something mental, yet to be successfully diagnosed and treated however.  

Maybe I should tell people humor helps me cope.  Cope with all those accidents, the past and even a so called "normal" Thanksgiving-y Thanksgiving.

I mean it's a little funny that this year my mother was more interested in showing me her latest purchase (honestly a very cool hair dryer/brush in one, which I tried when she wasn't looking) from QVC than asking about how my kids are doing in school.  

Now playing, all the time, at my mother's house....QVC.

It's a little funny that she was lighting her cigarettes on the stove burner dropping ashes in the stuffing.  

I may not know where to start, but I know which way to go right now.  It may be hard for people to understand but since last Thanksgiving I had to set up boundaries--I had to make my own children and husband a priority over a mother who will never get better.  And it's okay, I get that not everyone will get it.

After spending the successful (meaning nobody fell or overdosed) holiday day, the rest of my weekend was spent at my house with those children and that husband I prioritized.

Movie nights--the silly slapstick in Home Alone 2 gets my kids laughing every time. I'm a little more like "eh, whatever Joe Pesci" but love to see and hear my kids laugh.

My husband wins the greatest dad EVAH award...he has some seriously good Barbie story lines (gets them all from the alternative high school where he is a principal).

A little make-believe never hurt ANYONE. Here's Lu in my old prom dress. 

The magic and fun of the first snow (snowball fight).

Hot cocoa in Santa cups is mandatory this time of year.

And moving on to the next holiday.

No More Waiting For the Great Pumpkin

There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin.

-Linus, The Great Pumpkin

There's no turning back now, the train is leaving...the holiday train.  The season has begun.  And unlike Linus, I always talk about politics, religion and now the Great Pumpkin.

On possibly one of the rainiest October Saturdays in recent history, we officially kicked off the holiday season of 2012.

Halloween has become ginormous, humongous, crazy big.  And we're all left waiting for The Great Pumpkin, or are we?

This past weekend, we had a Halloween Hoopla like no other.  In fact, my husband's parents hosted an amazing Halloween party for all the kiddos.

We decorated/painted/carved pumpkins like we decorate/bake/cut out cookies at Christmas.  

It's not just at the Hoopla, we go big at our house too.  Here's our rockin' Friday night family pumpkin painting party.  

Back to the Hoopla in the pics below.

There were costumes, pumpkin bowling and tractor rides through the forest(when the rain let up).

This is Tim and his twin brother, Terry, terrifying the kids on the tractor ride.  They really got in the spirit of the season.

There were ghosts and trick-or-treating.

And here's the thing, it was amazing.  I am not a girl who is in love with the holidays.  I've been called a Scrooge before. I've been called cold, unfeeling and grouchy too.  But the holidays usually represent too much expectation and perfection.  The holidays remind me of my mother crying when I was a kid and me being alone, a lot.  

But not Halloween.

Halloween is my new Christmas.  It's all candy, parties and good times.  It's costumes and cute PJ's.  It's scary stories and did I mention candy?  It's not too deep.  It's not too much pressure.  It's family.  It's good times.  It's perfect.

Look at the way my father-in-law is looking at his wife, my mother-in-law, pure love.  They are such a wonderful example of what a successful marriage/relationship looks like.

No waiting for the Great Pumpkin for me anymore.  

I've found the most sincere celebration with my family.  Tradition + Love + Scary Masks + Candy=  Ahhh, Perfection.

Here's the Charlie Brown clip. My favorite part is when Lucy takes care of her little brother. It's a true example of how you can think someone is an idiot, but still love them and help take care of them.