Making Rainbows, Remembering Wonder and Feeling It All

"Look what I can do with my eyes," the little girl said. She had a giant red and green bow in her hair. Her voice was husky for a tiny little human who is only three. Her dress was covered with Christmas trees and ruffles, lots of ruffles. "I look into the light [she paused and looked out the window] and then blink and guess what, I can make rainbows with my eyes. I see so many colors everywhere," she said excitedly stretching her hands out wide. "Did you hear me? I can make rainbows with my eyes!," she said almost losing her breath she was so excited. She couldn't believe her newly discovered superpower.

That happened last week at work. I work in a preschool full of three-year-olds who teach me things like rainbow powers every day. They also teach me about finding joy in well, almost everything. It's raining? That means puddles to jump in! It's snowing? Well come on, that is just ridiculously exciting and magical and gosh, isn't the world amazing? These kids will make even the hardest of hearts melt and truly see and feel the wonder of being alive. Not just at Christmas, but every single day.

I'm so grateful to know these kids. Especially this past year because man, it's been a weird one. The political upheaval and mean-spirited compassionless agendas in our government are coinciding with my ever-changing perimenopausal hormones, my middle forties (maybe a midlife crisis?), my children becoming mini adults who drive and get jobs and have independence, and more financial stress than I anticipated.  It's a lot. Especially for someone with mediocre coping skills at best. 

Planning ahead has never really been my strong suit. I don't know what I envisioned this stage of my life to look like. I do know that it looks better than what my mother's life was like at this age and for that I am grateful. (And really, who could have ever predicted Trump? I don't know how to write a blog anymore without mentioning how affected I feel by the president and his supporters and how it all feels strange and unsettling and frankly I am still shaking my head with dismay...)

I am also grateful to be married to a pretty amazing person who encourages me to remember the good stuff about life and know that how I react to it just is what it is. He reminds me what he said to me when we first started dating almost 20 years ago. "You bring so much color to my life," he told me then and reminds me now. "You feel more than I have ever or will ever feel in my life," he said/says. "You make me see things differently. I love you. You make life interesting," he said/says.

Feeling a lot is my super power I guess. It's so good when it's good. But when there is a lot worry about, well, it can be exhausting. It can also get a little out of hand. 

The other day I sent my very patient and saint-like husband this text:

"We can't afford the extra car insurance, I forgot to take out the trash, I missed the sign-up sheet to volunteer in Wade's class, Roy Moore will win that election and the polar bears are starving to death. I can't take it Tim! [insert crying emoji/exhausted emoji, broken heart emoji]"

That night I turned off the news and tried to watch a movie with him. I randomly checked my phone and saw the social media posts that Roy Moore hadn't won. The other guy in the Alabama election won. I cheered and cried a little. It felt like maybe things were going to start making more sense, at least politically. 

Since that night, the news went back to being up and down, just like my hormones. Bills get paid but still the car insurance for a teenage son driver does seem a bit impossible to add. Hopefully we'll figure it out. We take steps forward and back and back and then forward. Doing the dance. Riding the ride. There are moments of pride and joy, and moments of stress and exhaustion. Through it all I am trying to let go and feel it all but not get carried away with worry. 

The other night I was sitting in my living room trying to keep my eyes open, trying to stay awake waiting for Peyton to come home. He's had his license for a few weeks and my god is it nerve wracking (even for a non-feeling/non-worrier). I was squinting at the tracking app I have loaded on my phone following the little bright blinking green dot that represented my son driving. The light from my phone made me squint even more than usual. Then I looked up at my Christmas tree and the lights all blurred together, and I saw a bunch of rainbows. I smiled remembering my little friend's super power at preschool. I exhaled with relief when Peyton pulled in the driveway and the blinking green light said "Peyton has arrived at home."

These next few days over the Christmas break I will be looking for rainbows and remembering the lessons of my preschoolers--finding joy in anything and everything, dancing the dance, riding the ride and truly feeling the wonder of being alive.



Here are a few reasons/moments/people from the last couple months that make me love being alive...





















































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Ch-ch-changes--Thanksgiving, Hope, Life

Over the years I've spent Thanksgiving in a lot of different places with a lot of different people. 

There were the Thanksgivings as a kid where I would excitedly watch the clock and wait for my grandparents to arrive from Alabama. We would eat and eat and watch football and play and talk. I remember falling asleep in sleeping bags on the floor with my sister and brother and cousins listening to the grown ups talk. There were a few Thanksgivings after my parents' divorce spent meeting and eating with new people that would be my step-relatives, and then eventually my ex-step-relatives. Thanksgivings spent in O'Hare Airport Gate B 22 with my brother and sister missing our connecting flight  going home to Michigan from my dad's house in Nebraska. There was that one Thanksgiving when I was 20 I spent in Amsterdam with friends, that was a good one. I also spent several Thanksgivings serving turkey at soup kitchens in Pittsburgh. A couple Thanksgivings I spent with friends who had no place to go like me. Years later my first child was born a few weeks before Thanksgiving and I remember being overwhelmed with joy and hormones and swollen breasts at my in-laws for turkey dinner with my newborn in my arms. There was the Thanksgiving night I spent with my sister in the ER waiting room after my mom broke her neck falling down the stairs. There was the Thanksgiving we forgot to defrost the Turkey like characters on a predictable sitcom. 

Thanksgiving 1980-something. 

Me with new friends and wearing a beret in Amsterdam.

My picture of Amsterdam that looks 150 years old. Ha!

Two weeks as a mom not having a clue what I was doing. 

What a turkey. Oh my god, what a cute little turkey JT was.

One constant has been change. I haven't always gone to the same place with the same people and had the same meal or the same happy or sad experience. I should be better at change than I am.

The world feels crazier than normal right now and changing so fast. I've never really been someone who has been that affected by, or to be really honest that compassionate about, those "trigger alerts." But Jesus, I get it so much more now. I feel like the entire year has been a trigger. This administration. Social media. Things I thought I believed but now question and vice-versa. My kids growing up. Losing control. Setting boundaries. Being firm. Being understanding. Balancing compassion and fear and strength and vulnerability. Getting enough sleep. Wishing I could do more. Wishing I didn't feel so much. Wishing everything didn't feel like it was constantly changing all the time so fast. But also grateful for some of the changes. Holy shit. Ahhhhh.

I wish I had someplace to go that I 've always gone this Thanksgiving. I want a constant that feels comforting and safe.  

As usual in times of turmoil I turn to my beloved pop culture. I watch movies like Planes, Trains & Automobiles. I love that movie. I watch Young & the Restless and General Hospital. I delight in the fact that Victor and Nicki are still fighting and loving and trying to get the family together on Y & R.  And that the Quartermaines are still trying to figure out what the hell is going on with Jason on GH. The same things I was watching in 1987!  My comfort zone.

But as I look back on the years and think about this year and Thanksgiving, I am reminded of other constants. There was always laughter. Even in the emergency room that crazy Thanksgiving my mom broke her neck, my sister and I found things to laugh about. Like how the first person my mother asked for when she woke up in the hospital was Justin Timberlake. 

Another constant...there has always been somebody. Whether it was friends or family, my babies or strangers in the airport, there have been people to connect with and talk to and be with. For that I am grateful.

Every Thanksgiving I can remember has been filled with some kind of hope. Hope that the turkey will defrost. Hope that everyone comes to visit. Hope that everyone will get along. Hope that everyone recovers. The thing about getting older is that you've been through enough to know there's another side to things. Even though the world is making me uncomfortable and tense and confused, as I look back I see that we've been here before historically and it's led to great change. I feel hopeful that we can figure this shit out--our government, our communities, our families, parenting teenagers, disagreeing with love, respecting each other, finances, my grandma's dressing recipe, global warming and all the rest of it.

I'm grateful for laughter and hope and perspective. And that there are soap operas that are still on TV. 

Happy Thanksgiving.

It IS A Wonderful Life & What I Know For Sure

The other night, my house was like a scene out of It's A Wonderful Life. 


Not the happy scene at the end or the dopey "hee haw" scenes in the middle. Nope. I was grumpy. I was snapping at the children like mean, overwhelmed George Bailey when he yells at his daughter to stop playing the piano. I was looking around my living room noticing all the bad parts like G.B. does in his drafty old house. And then, just like G.B. I stormed out of the house all upset into the snowy night wondering if I was messing everything up and even making a difference to anyone and waaaaaa.

I didn't go to a bridge or see an angel. I cried in my minivan for a minute. I went to the gym and ran on a treadmill, then took a shower. I went to Target and bought a couple Christmas presents. I walked slowly. I smiled at strangers and said Merry Christmas to a few people. I bought a health magazine and a candy bar for myself. I went back into my minivan and ate my candy bar and scrolled through the pictures on my phone and on my Instagram account. 

The pictures were filled with all the good times we've had lately. The holiday parties, the cookie baking, the snowball fights, cuddling on the couch, the candlelit dinners, the nature walks, the dogs, the kids...my whole life. So yeah, Clarence wasn't showing me what life would be like without me in it, but I saw the light. My angel was Instagram. The light was all the moments and memories and love.

I may do so many things wrong and just like G.B. not have the finest house or the best things, but god dammit I have a great family (even the teenagers!) and we have fun.  Not to sound like a corny character from a movie made in 1946, but hot dog, I feel like the richest gal in the town.

I went home with a renewed sense of purpose to find my kids actually concerned about me, even the teenagers. I went to bed happy and hopeful. And so grateful. I know for sure that even though it's messy and imperfect and I get grumpy and overwhelmed, I love my life and my family.

Merry Christmas...some of the highlights of the season so far. 🎄❤️😊🙌 #merrychristmas #christmas

A video posted by Angela Youngblood (@jumpingwithmyfingerscrossed) on Dec 19, 2016 at 3:17pm PST

Here's what else I know for sure right now:

• New traditions rock. I am a huge fan of traditions. Lately I've been trying to add new ones. Traditions that I can see us doing when the kids come home from college or bring their significant others home. It feels crazy to type things like that but it's happening....my kids are growing up.

A backyard bonfire on winter solstice is our new tradition and I LOVE it.

• Big kids are fun too. Sometimes a sweet nature walk turns into a snowball fight/king of the hill/snow mound war. And that's okay, it's fun too.

• I love a good mashup of pop music. Here's one for 2016!

• There's nothing better than going to the movies. I am acutally sounding more and more like a gal from the 1940s because there is nothing I would like better than going to the picture show once a week. :) I love this time of year because of all the Oscar buzz and movie talk. I have a lot of plans to see a lot of movies. I saw Jackie this week, it was good. This movie looks good too.

What do you know for sure right now?

Merry Christmas!

Snow Day Reboot

Last week I was struggling. I had too much to do. I'd said yes to too many things and too many people. I was feeling lost and confused and unappreciated and unsure where I fit in and exhausted. Totally exhausted.

Then I cancelled a meeting and told someone I couldn't do a freelance job and it was such a relief. It felt like a weight had been lifted or like someone somewhere gave me a raise. It felt good.

Then it started to snow, and snow, and snow, and snow.  Activities were cancelled. We were all forced to hunker down together and IT WAS FABULOUS.

Slow rolling family meals, Christmas movies, music, no schedule, hot chocolate, more movies and more food....I live for this shit. 

Sledding!

And THEN there was a snow day yesterday. Um, my faith in a higher power listening to my prayers/desperate pleas for life to slow down, may have just been restored a bit.

These two nut jobs had a blast in the snow all weekend. 

We made gluten free Christmas cookies.

Wade was a fan of the sprinkles. My sprinkle rule is the same as my glitter rule...there is never too much!

We ate so many meals together, which is my dream come true.

Hot cocoa in Christmas mugs!

It wasn't perfect. I cried a little bit because one of the kids wanted to go to a friend's house instead of being with us once the roads cleared. The little boys usually ended up punching each other at least twice a day, at least. The older kids had their phones way more than I wanted. Tim was still on the couch a lot because he is recovering from shoulder surgery. But so what? That stuff happens all the time. It's much easier to handle when I'm not running late or behind and wondering how I will do it all or when I will do it all. 

Even the moody tween was smiling. It was a GOOD weeekend.

This weekend was the thing I wanted most for Christmas--free time at home remembering who we are and who I am. We unplugged (a little). We rebooted. We hit the reset button. And we had fun.