Not So Normal

This post is sponsored by Uncommon Goods.

Last week I started feeling some serious anxiety. It's funny how anxiety works. It seems to creep into my life after the crisis. 

I'm wired for worry....I come from a long line of anxiety-ridden, under-diagnosed, over-prescribed worrier women. The plus side of this kind of wiring is that when bad stuff happens I can handle it like a badass (most of the time) because I'm always preparing for it. The down side of this kind of wiring is that when things are going well, or I get good news, I have a hard time feeling calm.  For example, after we got the good news from Peyton's doctor after the broken leg, the surgery, the helping him with everything, the physical therapy, the being positive and encouraging and being hopeful, I exhaled all of the past 84 days and cried. Even though I still stay hopeful and encouraging, I am nervous and worried about him getting hurt again. 

It's all about not having control or at least I think that's what I read in a self-help book years ago about these waves of anxiety that happen from time to time. The book was probably right because last week watching Peyton try to run on his healed leg and all the kids all over everywhere at practices and Tim working late and me running errands and working and walking the dogs and always feeling like I was running late and ahhhh...nothing felt like it was in my control at all. 

My happy place.

I started to feel very panicky on Friday afternoon. I even Googled "how to feel less anxious." Google told me to take deep breaths and visualize ocean waves. There were more tips on meditation and ideas about "planting your feet on the ground." I tried a few of them. Nothing worked.  Nothing until I picked up the kids from their friends' houses and we were all together in the minivan. I felt calmer with all my kids with me. Sure they were loud and rowdy and they bickered but we were together, and they were also funny and loving and ridiculous. Then we went to the grocery store and I finally felt peace. I still had no control (as I'm sure some fellow shoppers will attest to) but everything was as it should be in my head and heart.

Then we all really had a wonderful weekend together. Tim and I even  went on a date on Saturday night, our first date since November 2014, which is nuts because that's a crazy long time ago. We had so much fun, we even made a video dancing to a One Direction song (if that doesn't say romance for a couple of immature 40-year-olds I don't know what does!).

So yeah, we had our first date since Nov 2014. It was a pretty big deal. I worried about what I was going to wear and how I looked and the weight I've gained and ugh. I tried on an old dress and it looked ok, but then decided on a wavy drape-y shirt because I felt more comfortable...then I remembered that Tim and I have been together for almost 18 years and have been through everything good and bad together and it didn't matter what I wore.(or that I used duct tape to hem my pants before we left). We used a gift certificate to buy dinner but we were happily surprised when the manager came to our table and said that a couple at the bar bought us a round of drinks (the couple were friends that we had confided in that this was our first date in a while)! I didn't realize that my flowy/drape-y shirt was on inside out until we got home and did this kitchen dance. And nobody cared, not even me. Here's to date nights, couples who buy drinks for other couples, older kids that can babysit, having a whole lot of history with the love of your life and for dancing in your kitchen to One Direction!!!! #datenight #kitchendance

A video posted by Angela Youngblood (@jumpingwithmyfingerscrossed) on Jan 30, 2016 at 7:05pm PST

I wish that the anxiety didn't come back, but it did. I was grateful and full of joy, but I was also over-sensitive and emotional and anxious still. It was maddening. I was worried about the worry and worried that Tim would think I was ungrateful and that he wouldn't understand and remember that these waves pass. Then I got this text from Tim and everything was as it should be in my head and heart.

I get that it's not all that normal for people to have waves of worry this big sometimes. I get that it's not all that normal that my safe and happy place is with my four loud and rowdy kids in a grocery store. I get that it's not all that normal to be married to a person that understands and appreciates and supports and gives such unbelievable, unconditional love. 

But it's my not so normal life and love story.
  

This post about our not so normal life/love  story is sponsored by Uncommon Goods. Uncommon Goods is a marketplace featuring thousands of unique and unusual gifts, from fun jewelry and cool accessories to creative home decor and kitchen items.  I LOVE that story is important to the company. They say this-- "we know that there's a story behind every product...with your help, we're building a community of passionate people who love our products and connect with the stories behind them." YES!!! Click here to find out more about Uncommon Goods.

I made a wish list and might have left it open on my computer in case Tim wants to get me a Valentine's Day gift because um, it's Valentine's Day in a couple weeks!

Here are a few of my favs:

Check out the other Valentine's Day inspired gifts at Uncommon Goods, click here.

Another great feature of the Uncommon Goods site is that they have collections with ideas for the perfect gift for not just Valentine's Day, but other special times too like anniversaries and baby showers.

Love Stories in Midtown

It was another snowy Saturday.  But this time, I was in the heart of hipster-land--midtown Detroit.  Yeah, you read that right--Detroit is hip and I was there.  

The Great Lakes Coffee Roasting Company in midtown Detroit.

Okay, sure, I may have felt a little bit out of place at first in the uber cool coffee shop outside of my tiny suburb, but I assimilated and dare I say got a little hip (maybe).

It's more than a coffee shop, there is a full bar.

At first the huge menu, cool lighting and the barista wearing a garter for a belt made me feel a little  overwhelmed and full of all kinds of thoughts and questions.  This was no drive-through Starbucks in some leafy Utopian suburb, folks.  It was so much better. It was over-the-top-hipster-wannabes all ordering a fancy coffee called "Sexy Mexican" sitting beside a young father and his toddler eating breakfast.  It was old men drinking beer at 9 a.m. and  young men drinking chai tea.  It was a group of women chatting with friends at a small table in the corner.  It was loud music ranging from the White Stripes to Lauryn Hill with a little old-school TLC and Prince thrown in.  It was lap tops and charging stations.  It was unisex bathrooms.  It was hustle and bustle.  It was damn good people watching.

After my initial "oh my god, I love it here but I don't know what to do" feeling, I sauntered up to the counter and asked the woman wearing a garter belt for a belt to make me a Sexy Mexican.  See?  I am sure I fit right in.

But I wasn't there to fit in or people watch.  I was there to listen to people's stories.  This hipster-midtown coffee shop was the location of our second Saturday of Listen To Your Mother Metro Detroit auditions.  

I was there to take an emotional journey and hear the stories from people wanting to share them, needing to share them.  Stories of love, loss, struggle, grief and gratitude.  I sat at a corner table with my two other co-producers/directors, and now good friends.  We tried not to show too much emotion.  But there were moments as Jack White screamed from the speakers that I couldn't hold back my tears.  Especially when I thought about all the women that have shared stories and their lives with us over the past two weeks.

Some of the women thanked us.  Some of the women told us how they needed to tell their story, to say the words.  I was so moved by stories of the powerful desire to become mothers and the struggle so many women have to become mothers.  I was blown away by the strength of women that told stories of losing children to sickness or tragic accidents. I was inspired by the compassion and capacity for so much love.

Each and every story we heard was a love story.

After the auditions, I wrapped my scarf (that may just smell like coffee forever after being there for six hours) around my neck and got ready to head back to the suburbs.  But I wasn't the same as when I came in.  I mean I drank a coffee called a Sexy Mexican, everything is different now.  It is more than being a hip midtown-er, I feel like my heart grew, my own capacity to love and appreciate grew. "Everyone has a story," you hear it all the time.  I mean, I know that.  But now I feel like I REALLY know it.  And I want to hear them.  I want to know more about people.  I want to care more about people.  It's more than just people watching, it's people listening.  I feel more open and ready and available to listen and to love. And who knows, I just might start wearing a garter belt as a belt.  

And I can't wait for all of you to hear some of the love stories from the amazing women that will tell them at our Listen To Your Mother show in Detroit! To find out more about Listen To Your Mother Metro Detroit click here.

To buy tickets to the show on May 4 in Detroit at St. Andrew's Hall click here.


Here's Jack White's other band's (The Raconteurs) song about storytelling (Carolina Drama).  Ahhhhhmazing.  And I was so lame before this past Saturday, I didn't even know Jack White had another band.  Yeah, I AM different now.  Check it out. (This song was playing during the auditions and my bad ass co-producer/director Angela knew the song, she is more hip than me, but I'm catching up.) 



A pretty cool Laryn Hill remake of a Bob Marley song about stories and needing to say the words.

Love Stories

One of the reasons I write a blog is to tell stories.  Because telling stories is important.  Because we all have stories.  Because I want my kids to know their stories.  Because I want to remember their stories--I want to remember how I felt when the kids were little, I want to remember when Wade couldn't say all his words and he said "backbard" instead of back yard, I want to remember the kitchen dances and even the tween eye rolls.  It's our story.

Since I started this blog, I've had the privilege to help tell other people's stories.  This past weekend, I was part of an event full of amazing people.

It was a night full of love stories.

This event was for an organization called Charlotte's Wings.  The story behind this organization is a story of loss, a story of grief, a story of friendship,and hope and compassion and love.  My friend Jo, lost her daughter to a rare genetic disease.  Her friends rallied around and supported Jo and her family.  In the midst of their grief, Jo and her husband donated books to an area hospital in honor of Charlotte.  Inspired by their generosity and compassion for other families in hospitals or hospice that needed comfort and distraction, those friends rallied again, and together they all started a nonprofit--Charlotte's Wings.  Today, they have donated over 20,000 books to Michigan hospitals and hospices.

For the past six years, my husband and I have gotten dressed up and gone to the benefit. (Click here to read about last year's Charlotte's Wings benefit.)  It's for friends, it's to help, it's at a fancy hotel, it's all good.

Part of the story of the night was in deed the fact that it was a date night for us.  Tim and I were posting Instagrams of ourselves all dressed up and I was ordering pre-event cocktails in the hotel bar.  We were laughing and enjoying being grown-ups.  

"I got a room for you," he said and I nearly spit out my drink.  

"What are you talking about?," I asked.

"You need time to yourself," he said as he took my hand in his.  "You always say how nice it would be to get away, so do it.  I'll go home when the dancing starts and take care of the kids, you stay, dance and then get a good night's sleep."

Silence.....and then....

"Um, no way, I can't, but, what about? how? isn't it too much? it feels wrong. are you sure? oh, wait. can I?  oh man, I'm ordering another drink," I said all at once feeling so loved and in love.

We walked hand in hand to the ballroom to our table.  I was full of giddy excitement about drinking and dancing with my buddy Steph, and then sleeping in a king size bed alone.  He was full of giddy excitement that he got out of being bored while I danced for three hours straight.  It was working out so well for both of us.

Part of the story of the night was about a video.  A video I made to help tell the story of the impact of Charlotte's Wings. 

A couple months ago, I visited a children's hospital and met the sick kids and the parents who were using the books Charlotte's Wings donated.  I heard stories of their heart-aching, unwavering, superpower love and unimaginable strength.  The video was a love letter to my inspiring friends at Charlotte's Wings and to those parents that I met at the hospital.

I was nervous.  I wanted people to get it...feel it...

As the video started, Tim once again reached over and grabbed my hand.  He knew the weight of responsibility I felt to tell this love story the right way.  "People will feel it honey," he whispered.  "They'll get it," he added and squeezed my hand tightly.  

Charlottes Wings 2013 from Jumping With My Fingers Crossed on Vimeo.

I held my breath while over 600 people in the room watched.  

Some people cried. Some people hopefully spent more at the silent auction.  Some people got it, I hope.

Because we all have a story.  We all have a love story to tell.  The love story of a husband's thoughtful surprise.  The love story of old pals dancing away their worries in a hotel ballroom.  The love story of friends supporting each other, lifting each other out of sorrow and grief.  The love story of strangers donating money to a charity.  The love story of parents reading books to their sick children in the hospital.  

It's holding hands tightly, it's smiling through the tears, it's finding the joy and the beauty.  It's appreciating the good in our lives and the incredibly tough times we get through, it's about the stories we will remember.

To find out more about Charlotte's Wings, click here.