Grabbing Time

It's been a crazy back to school season. It's been all about transitions. 

Transitioning back into school, back into routines, and crazy busy schedules and homework and practices and ahhhhhhh. I hate transitions and being busy. I mean seriously, I hate it. My peri-menopausal hormone-induced heightened anxiety that I've been experiencing of late has made it all a million times worse.

So, this past week I took a little bit of control back and found time and hope and felt so much better.

  
Here's what I did:

I didn't wait for the right time. The only night we all were together for a family dinner was Monday night. So, I lit candles and put on some music and set the table for the fam. I made a normal night something special because it felt good and it didn't matter that it was a dumb Monday night.

I skipped curriculum night at all my kids' schools. Instead, one night we went on a family walk instead with the dogs; on another night, I watched Peyton's football game instead of missing the end and rushing to the elementary school. After I got over the initial feeling of guilt and like I was failing because I wasn't going to everything, everywhere, it felt nice. And relaxing.

I ran while the lasagna cooked. I found out last week that not running or exercising led to so much more anxiety. So, I snuck in a run when I could. One night it was while the lasagna was in the oven. I ran four very slow miles but I felt happier and more in control, and less guilt when I ate a lot of lasagna.

I watched TV with Tim. When Tim and I are out of sync the family feels out of sync. So, we made time for each other. Sure it was just hanging out watching TV, but it was really good TV and we were together in the same room (that's rare!). We watched the new show This Is Us and LOVED it. We also started watching Homeland...intense. It's nothing expensive and fancy, but it's also better than nothing and not talking.


(I so needed a show like this on TV. It's good.)

I left the game. At first this was a very low moment for me, but it turned out to be a good lesson. I had a mild panic attack at JT's football game. Instead of forcing myself to stay and fight through my anxiety and potentially have a bigger panic attack, I left. I was embarrassed and sort of full of shame as I was leaving and even later that night. But then I realized it was the best thing I could do for myself at that moment and taking care of myself was/is important. JT came home and excitedly told me all about his game. My mom friends in the stands texted to see if I was okay and gave me so much love and support. Just like an athlete who is cramping or playing injured, sometimes you have to take yourself out of the game to stay healthy. (We are big on sports analogies here at our house, so this one felt right on.)

When I was a teenager my dad used to say "it's not about not having time, it's about not making time." Oh my god, I hated that so much. But last week, I made some time. Instead of running around and doing all the things and resenting all the things and losing myself to all the things, I said no to some of the things. I made and found some time and it helped so much with everything. It probably won't be possible to skip all the meetings and I hope I stay for all the rest of the games, but when I can find time for a dinner on the porch or a walk through the woods with the kids and the dogs, I'm going to grab it because my god it feels good.

Going to Bed at 8 p.m.

When I started this blog five years ago I thought life was hectic. I look back and I laugh because five years ago I had no idea what hectic was. The kids were little and busy sure, but none of them had phones and they all went to bed around 8 p.m. I never could have imagined how busy life would get, how busy the kids would get....but man, life is nuts right now.

It's not bad, just busy. And no one is going to bed at 8 p.m.

I miss parts of the early days. I miss being in total control of our schedule. I miss being able to entertain all the kids with silly kitchen dances and crafts. I miss writing about all of our sweet, simple adventures here on the blog.

There are so many cool things happening now that I want to document and share. Like Peyton starting high school and Wade's first football game. I want to talk about how I'm training for a half-marathon and how it's so different as an older/peri-menopausal woman (I'm slower and sweatier). I want to write about trying to find balance and my feelings about being a working mom. But god dammit no one is going to bed at 8 p.m. and I am having trouble carving out time to write and document and be creative.  And I miss it.

It's hard to find time for everything and everyone. I just didn't anticipate how busy life would get and how tired I would feel and how fast time would go. Waaaaa. Maybe I'm just worn out from the back-to-school mania of the past couple weeks. Maybe I hate change and I don't want summer to end. Maybe I wish school started at 10 a.m. and weekends were three days long and days had more than 24 hours. Maybe I just need start going to bed at 8 p.m., at least a couple nights a week.

Hereare a few things that happened in the last few weeks:

There were morning runs. Great thing about getting up early to run is morning skies like this one. I like to call these hell yeah skies.

A dinner party.

A birthday party. Yup, his birthday was in May and we just got around to having a few friends over. lol.
Better late than never, right?

One last trip to the beach. Lake Michigan dunes!
And yes, Tim is napping.

One last fishing trip to up north on the lake.

Everyone had a first day back to school.

More cake! 

There has already been lots and lots of football practice and games.

Wade played his first game! 

Post-game pep talks from grandparents. 

Some of us struggled more than others with the early school start time. 

The dogs aren't so happy about all of us going back to school or work. I totally get it. Waaaaa.

Off To High School--Round One

My son is starting high school in a couple weeks. 

Whaaaaaat? I both kind of can't believe it and feel totally okay with it. Yesterday we registered Peyton and got his schedule and got his locker. Then he had a team dinner with the football team. He seems appropriately confident and nervous. He seems ready.

Yesterday I had a talk with him that was equal parts "I Hope You Dance"/I will fucking kill you if you get messed up with drugs/grades matter/hard work matters/I will love you through all of it. He nodded while I just kept talking and talking. I have no idea if I was saying the right things or if it was too much or not enough. At one point I even admitted to eating "space cake" when I was in Amsterdam but followed up with "I was 20 and it was legal!" Ahhhhh! I stopped there because I'm not ready to tell him all the things I did or know if I even ever should. Oh hell, I have no idea! I switched gears quickly and talked about identity and threw out a Jay-Z quote because he's still cool right? Ugh. OMG. I ended with "well you get it right? I love you and I want you to have fun and know who you are and be good and be safe."

A bit cheesy? Maybe. Too much? Maybe. But god dammit I love that kid and I want him to carpe diem all the opportunities during high school. And um, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I just want him to have a sense of self and a sense of belonging in our family and know that we have his back (but we will also hold him accountable!). 

Years ago, my much younger brother, Harrison, was visiting us right before he started high school. Peyton was two and Lucy was a baby. We had a party, with just us, to celebrate Uncle Harry going to high school. 

Balloon hats were all the rage in our little kid house at the time, so we made one for Uncle Harry. 

We also made a cake and had streamers and signs and made him wear a tie. It was cute and fun and Uncle Harry was a good sport. "Someday we'll do this for you," I told a smiley, little Peyton. "When you go off to high school, you will get a balloon hat party."

Last night it was his turn. The balloon hat tradition continued and just like his uncle, Peyton was a good sport.

It was silly, but just as important to me as the big/cheesy/heavy talk. Traditions and a sense of humor are a big part of the family he belongs to. A family that celebrates together and talks to each other and laughs together and loves through all the ups and downs and carries on silly traditions and serious traditions...that's who we are. And my god, I'm hoping that helps Peyton and each of my kids as they grow up and carpe diem the hell out of middle school and high school and jesus, adulthood. And of course make good decisions and even if they mess up, and ahhhhh, I have no idea what I'm doing! Seriously, jumping into this next phase with my fingers crossed. :)

Here's the Jay-Z quote I used (I love it and have used it before and you better believe I will use it again. I believe it.):

"Belief in oneself and knowing who you are, I mean, that's the foundation for everything great."

—Jay-Z

The End of Back To School

Last night was the last curriculum night of the back to school season for Tim and me.  It was at the middle school for our eighth grader and sixth grader. We had already been to our the curriculum night for our kindergartner and curriculum night for our fourth grader. We had already done all the back to school shopping and worrying and reminding and routine creating and more reminding, and given pep talks about homework and remembering locker combinations and not worrying if they mess up especially in the first couple weeks.  By the time we were pulling into the middle school parking lot last night, we had grown weary of back to school everything and quite possibly a little slap happy.  Maybe that's why we had so much damn fun there.

The parking lot was packed, there were actually cars lined up waiting to turn into the lot and people walking from half a mile down the street.  It looked like there was a concert happening, a concert that a bunch of middle age suburbanites would line up for, like Weezer or a Bell Biv Devoe reunion.  

At the exact same time, Tim and I had the exact opposite reaction to the crowd.

I said-- "Ahhhhh," sounding like my middle school age kids. "Look at all these people, lets skip this and go back home and watch an episdoe of Sons of Anarchy." 

Tim said-- "There's so many people here, hurry up, we are going to be late."

We laughed at how different our reactions were and then Tim asked to be let out at the front door so he could get to class on time.  After asking if he was serious, I let him out and then went to find a parking spot in the back of the building.  I took my time going into the building stopping to chat with a few friends and then decided to skip first hour (the evening was set up to mimic our kids' schedules so we had 10 minutes in each subject hour and a bell would ring just like during our kids' days).

I met up with Tim in our eighth grader's second hour.  Tim was sitting in the back of the class looking around nervously.  I strolled in right as the bell rang.  I tried to whisper to Tim but he wouldn't look at me because class had started.

"I don't think we would have dated when we were in high school," I told him after class.  

For the rest of the evening we met in between classes by the lockers. Laughed at each other and ourselves. I got lost and skipped another class. Tim took notes in all of the classes. We each saw friends and chatted about how lost we were and how old we felt. I took a picture and put it on Instagram. Tim got annoyed.  We laughed some more.

Feeling a little more relaxed and even more tired, Tim decided to give in to my rebellious ways and skip the last hour and we headed for home.

That's it, we can officially close the books on the whole back to school season. Now it's all settling into routines and dealing with the day-to-day mania of having four kids.  And resting before the holiday craze which if the stores are any indication is any minute now.  Good-bye back to school hello Christmas.

Mainstream, Transitions and Back To School

'Tis the season for back-to-school mania.  New routines, new teachers, new classmates, new schedules, new everything. 

This year Lucy started middle school, Wade started kindergarten, JT is in the fourth grade and Peyton is in the eighth. And I started the new school year as a preschool assistant teacher. Ahhhhhhh.

It's been almost two weeks now since the first day of school.....and there have been complaints and excitement and one kid that wishes he could live in his classroom (Wade) and one kid that wishes he never had to go to another day of school ever (JT) and another kid who likes everything about school except how early it is (Lucy). There has been one really big fight over homework and even a black eye (it was actually mine from an aggressive hugger in preschool who jumped into my arms and smacked her head on my face, nothing to do with homework, just a whole lot of love).  

It's an interesting challenge to cheer on the kids that are loving every single bit of school and still be there and support and uplift the kids that want nothing to do with it.  Because seriously, I get it all.  And I want to honor how each of them feels, especially because new stuff is harder for some of us.

I have no answers except I just keep trying and keep supporting and keep loving and keep accepting that every kid, every one of us, has their own path and I keep parenting and keep searching and keep fighting the good fight.

This is my jam right now, "Mainstream Kid" by Brandi Carlile. I LOVE it. I'm feeling all this so hard-- to be mainstream seems easier but we all have stuff and can't we all just find our fit and really embrace ALL of it and each other...that it's okay to be mainstream and ok to be weird and ok to love school and it's okay to not love it, but god I hope you find parts of it that make it less miserable and a little joyful, and that we all have value and need to rock out every now and then, or always.



Click here to watch it and ROCK OUT!


I usually don't like fan videos people make about shows, but I dig this one. I loved the show Parenthood and I miss it and it just reminds me of all the ups and downs and highs and lows and love and togetherness that happen in a family, in parenthood.

(Click here to watch the video.)

Back To School Weirdness

For the first time in over a decade, I was left home alone on the first day of school.  All my babies left on school buses for the first time since I became a parent.  And it was weird.

It's weird because I miss them so much but not enough to be up for homeschooling or anything like that.  It's weird because it's an end of an era, an end of a season of my/our life.  It's not bad, it's just weird and bittersweet and unsettling and exciting and new and a little uncomfortable and ahhhhhhh.

I can't say that I love this new phase yet (it's only been two days!). I love watching who my kids are becoming and learning to parent them in new ways and hearing about their days at school. But I would not be truthful if I didn't say I don't miss when they were younger and told me everything and we had long lunches and did crafts in the afternoon and a few of them napped and waaaaa.

They still humor me with back-to-school traditions that I started over 10 years ago before I was on Facebook and Instagram and had a blog.  The traditions aren't fancy--a poster board and a sharpie to document the grade and the date.  

I love these traditions, and all of our traditions.The kids may think I'm a little wacky and a couple of the older kids may roll their eyes and that's okay. But I'm going to keep doing them. These traditions ground them/us/me. They are are a rite of passage and a goofy good time and great for the scrapbooks (I mean if I made scrapbooks).  

Wade thought it would be cool to wear his backpack as a frontpack and I kind of loved it.

I found this pic on the camera (JT took it) and I thought it was a pretty good pic  because it looks like I'm laughing.

Tim made it home from work before the little boys got off their bus after the first day of school. And he got a chance to talk to Lucy about her first day of middle school.

It was Wade's dream to ride the school bus. He LOVED it.

Wade loves kindergarten

Goofy, cheap poster boards are the tradition and so is Pencil Cake.  I've made the pencil cake every first day of school since Peyton was in kindergarten.  After JT was diagnosed with Celiac disease in 2010, I had to change the recipe to make it gluten free. It still tastes great!

I like making a big deal out of things.  I like making things more special.  I love sharing these moments with my family.  I love being with these kids (even when the squabble over who gets the eraser part of the cake).

I'll get used to all the weirdness of having all the kids in school and getting older and growing up. I will.  But I refuse to stop making pencil cake and posing my kids in front of signs and doing a night-before-the-first-day-back-to-school-dance (to this song)....no matter how old they get. 

Counting Down To School

The pencils are sharpened, the backpacks are hung on hooks and everyone is so excited about school starting. Well, not really everyone.  We drove by the middle school and one of the older kids said "there's the jail."

I get it. I am not that excited. I wish it could be summer forever--sunshine, long days, no schedules, no real have-tos, late dinners, swimming pools, sleeping in, flip flops, road trips and bike rides. Ahhhhh!!!! The best.

I almost found myself saying "yeah, I know" when one of the kids called the school a jail. But wait, there's good stuff about going to school and I know it and I want them to know it too. Especially Wade. Wade is starting kindergarten in a few days and is so excited.  I don't want our bad attitudes bringing him down.

It's not school that is horrible anyway. It's busy routines and jam-packed days and winter in Michigan and staying on top of homework, that's the hard stuff.  Transitions and change can be hard for some of us too. So, I made a countdown to kindergarten for Wade. 

It's a simple craft using a thick poster board, some paper and pencils (I glued the pencils to the board for school-ish look). Each night Wade pulls of a number and we talk about what school is going to be like. It's not only getting Wade more excited, it's sort of helping all of us get excited. 

I just propped it up on our easel in the dining room. 

I find countdowns help with transitions.  Each night when we take down a number around dinner time. It's a good time for all of us to reflect and ask questions and talk about not only the things that we are excited about but also the things we are a little nervous about too.  As a family we've talked about what to expect in kindergarten  and fourth grade and middle school. Lucy talked about being nervous about having a locker for the first time. Peyton told her what teachers he really liked having in sixth grade. JT said maybe he's a "little excited" about school (um, that is HUGE!). And Wade says the same thing every time "I can't wait!"

His enthusiasm is hard not to love. Another bonus of the countdown is when Wade asks "how many days until school starts?" (and he asks that A LOT), I just say "check the countdown and tell me."  

Countdowns don't work for everyone, but they are working for us and helping some of us with our back to school anxiety.

Happy Back To School Everybody!