It IS A Wonderful Life & What I Know For Sure

The other night, my house was like a scene out of It's A Wonderful Life. 


Not the happy scene at the end or the dopey "hee haw" scenes in the middle. Nope. I was grumpy. I was snapping at the children like mean, overwhelmed George Bailey when he yells at his daughter to stop playing the piano. I was looking around my living room noticing all the bad parts like G.B. does in his drafty old house. And then, just like G.B. I stormed out of the house all upset into the snowy night wondering if I was messing everything up and even making a difference to anyone and waaaaaa.

I didn't go to a bridge or see an angel. I cried in my minivan for a minute. I went to the gym and ran on a treadmill, then took a shower. I went to Target and bought a couple Christmas presents. I walked slowly. I smiled at strangers and said Merry Christmas to a few people. I bought a health magazine and a candy bar for myself. I went back into my minivan and ate my candy bar and scrolled through the pictures on my phone and on my Instagram account. 

The pictures were filled with all the good times we've had lately. The holiday parties, the cookie baking, the snowball fights, cuddling on the couch, the candlelit dinners, the nature walks, the dogs, the kids...my whole life. So yeah, Clarence wasn't showing me what life would be like without me in it, but I saw the light. My angel was Instagram. The light was all the moments and memories and love.

I may do so many things wrong and just like G.B. not have the finest house or the best things, but god dammit I have a great family (even the teenagers!) and we have fun.  Not to sound like a corny character from a movie made in 1946, but hot dog, I feel like the richest gal in the town.

I went home with a renewed sense of purpose to find my kids actually concerned about me, even the teenagers. I went to bed happy and hopeful. And so grateful. I know for sure that even though it's messy and imperfect and I get grumpy and overwhelmed, I love my life and my family.

Merry Christmas...some of the highlights of the season so far. 🎄❤️😊🙌 #merrychristmas #christmas

A video posted by Angela Youngblood (@jumpingwithmyfingerscrossed) on Dec 19, 2016 at 3:17pm PST

Here's what else I know for sure right now:

• New traditions rock. I am a huge fan of traditions. Lately I've been trying to add new ones. Traditions that I can see us doing when the kids come home from college or bring their significant others home. It feels crazy to type things like that but it's happening....my kids are growing up.

A backyard bonfire on winter solstice is our new tradition and I LOVE it.

• Big kids are fun too. Sometimes a sweet nature walk turns into a snowball fight/king of the hill/snow mound war. And that's okay, it's fun too.

• I love a good mashup of pop music. Here's one for 2016!

• There's nothing better than going to the movies. I am acutally sounding more and more like a gal from the 1940s because there is nothing I would like better than going to the picture show once a week. :) I love this time of year because of all the Oscar buzz and movie talk. I have a lot of plans to see a lot of movies. I saw Jackie this week, it was good. This movie looks good too.

What do you know for sure right now?

Merry Christmas!

Snow Day Reboot

Last week I was struggling. I had too much to do. I'd said yes to too many things and too many people. I was feeling lost and confused and unappreciated and unsure where I fit in and exhausted. Totally exhausted.

Then I cancelled a meeting and told someone I couldn't do a freelance job and it was such a relief. It felt like a weight had been lifted or like someone somewhere gave me a raise. It felt good.

Then it started to snow, and snow, and snow, and snow.  Activities were cancelled. We were all forced to hunker down together and IT WAS FABULOUS.

Slow rolling family meals, Christmas movies, music, no schedule, hot chocolate, more movies and more food....I live for this shit. 

Sledding!

And THEN there was a snow day yesterday. Um, my faith in a higher power listening to my prayers/desperate pleas for life to slow down, may have just been restored a bit.

These two nut jobs had a blast in the snow all weekend. 

We made gluten free Christmas cookies.

Wade was a fan of the sprinkles. My sprinkle rule is the same as my glitter rule...there is never too much!

We ate so many meals together, which is my dream come true.

Hot cocoa in Christmas mugs!

It wasn't perfect. I cried a little bit because one of the kids wanted to go to a friend's house instead of being with us once the roads cleared. The little boys usually ended up punching each other at least twice a day, at least. The older kids had their phones way more than I wanted. Tim was still on the couch a lot because he is recovering from shoulder surgery. But so what? That stuff happens all the time. It's much easier to handle when I'm not running late or behind and wondering how I will do it all or when I will do it all. 

Even the moody tween was smiling. It was a GOOD weeekend.

This weekend was the thing I wanted most for Christmas--free time at home remembering who we are and who I am. We unplugged (a little). We rebooted. We hit the reset button. And we had fun.

My Ohio State Moment That Gets Me Through Tough Times

What's your "nope" moment? How do you cope with stuff?

Being new to stuff is hard. Being new to stuff as an older woman is harder. I'm the new "girl" at my jobs but I'm so old. When I get feedback or criticism, I want to tell my bosses that I used to be somebody pretty important. I mean if only they could talk to my clients, they would know how stellar I used to be in my former job. Only problem is my former job is a stay-at-home mom and society kind of slow claps at that one. And ever since my clients' hormones kicked in they kind of hate me and probably wouldn't give me a good review anyway (unless I bribed them with Frappuccinos and promising not to read their text messages or follow them on Instagram).

I wish I could be more confident and feel more important and smart. I mean oh great, I'm emotionally intelligent and self-aware, I'm empathetic. I'm spontaneous. Cue more slow clapping. I am also scattered and unorganized and late-ish and did I mention unorganized. And just a tad oversensitive. New jobs and new routines and bitchy teenagers who think I'm incredibly annoying are swirling together with newish perimenopause hormones and extreme exhaustion to create a perfect storm of chaos and self-doubt.

Over the last year and a half, I've struggled to find my footing, and figure out how to be a working mother and a mother to teenagers and a woman with perimenopause and possibly some pretty serious undiagnosed ADHD (duh right?) and ahhhhhh. Mostly what I have figured out is that I really struggle with too much on my plate, meditation doesn't solve everything for me, there aren't enough hours in the day, teenagers are frustrating and maybe most surprising is that I got a somewhat effective coping skill from an Ohio State football player.

A few years ago, I was watching the University of Michigan play football against Ohio State. An Ohio State player got ejected from the game for some reason. As he was walking out the stadium he held both arms straight up in the air, dropped his head, and boldly stuck both his middle fingers up to the crowd. At first I was horrified, but then not so much. In fact that player, whose name I don't even remember, has become my go-to coping skill.

Here's the thing, I don't stand up in the middle of a meeting or at my freelance job writing for a credit union flipping everyone off, but I secretly think about it sometimes. If I am at home and my teenagers are barely looking up from their phones and when they do they complain about something, I secretly think about it. Or when people are being mean to each other in a store, I think about it. Or when the news is on or when Tim and I bicker or when there's too much of anything, I think about it. And then I feel like laughing a little bit. Because seriously, can you imagine?

It's a big "nope, I'm out, this sucks, I'm not gonna take it anymore, take this job and shove it" kind of move and I love thinking about it every now and then.

That's all I've got right now. I mean sure there's all that very important self-care stuff, remembering not to take things too personally, scaling back on responsibilities and jobs, more meditation and dancing.

My sister took me to a nail salon and paid for me to have a pedicure.  It was my first pedicure in 12 years. It was ridiculously awesome. I apologized to Gina, the woman doing my pedicure, and she joked that she should charge more because my feet were so bad. Thanks Gina. Actually Gina was full of good self-care advice and reminded me that it's not about money, it's about taking care of myself. I reminded Gina that I was just visiting the area and she stopped plugging her salon.
But some of her advice stuck with me. I do need to take care of myself a little better, you know so I don't flip everyone off for real one day. 

But there's also the ultimate "nope" visual that reminds me when I need to take a step back and take a deep breath and try to remember that my skill-set is valuable to someone somewhere and that my clients will mellow out in a few years, along with my perimenopause. Maybe I'll get the hang of things at my jobs and parenting teenagers and life balance and maybe I won't. But I'll keep trying and keep holding a special place in my heart for that Ohio State player that inspired my very immature and inappropriate coping skill that is totally getting me through messy moments and parts of the holidays right now.

Apples in my Chicken Salad--

Traditions and stories make sense to me. They make everyone feel safe and loved and like it's going to be alright. Not to sound too Hamilton-y, but in a world that feels turned upside down to me, family traditions make me understand some things again. Like oh yeah, these simple little imperfect things we do are important, they ground us and connect us and remind us that it's good to tell stories and laugh.

Even though I think traditions are important, I really try to not put too much pressure on us. They don't have to be perfect. They don't always have to go according to plan.

Years ago, my dad's mom who we called Granny was making chicken salad for lunch. So the story goes, she had a lot on her mind, she was distracted and kind of going through the motions. At one point she looked down and realized she was cutting up apples in her chicken salad. She laughed and thought about throwing it out and starting over, but instead she served the chicken salad anyway and she and her family laughed at her mistake. (This was way before we knew that apples in chicken salad is kind of a gourmet/Pinterest-worthy recipe idea!) After eating the apple filled chicken salad, they decided they loved it and they made it that way forever. And told the story forever and laughed a lot.

Apples in my chicken salad reminds me of my Granny and her kitchen and her laugh (she died when I was 6 years old). And how sometimes things just come together, and how stories are good and laughter is good.

Apples in my chicken salad is how I approach traditions around the holidays and really always with my family. From trimming the tree to Elf Night to the Advent Calendar to special holiday plates we use at dinner, I want the traditions not to feel too forced and kind of come together imperfectly, make a good story/memory and provide opportunities for lots of laughter.

Our Elf Night--a dinner full of waffles and marshmallows and candy; candles and paper snowflakes; an elf naming ceremony; and then watching the movie Elf. It's my fav night of the year.

We have added some holiday traditions (like cutting our tree down and Elf Night) and we've had to change some or let some go (when JT was diagnosed with Celiac disease when he was 3, some baking traditions stopped, Gluten Free gingerbread houses are expensive!). And woah, traditions with teenagers are interesting (not necessarily the lovefest they were when they were preschoolers), so we've updated some like watching Elf and not getting mad if they are a little moody or melancholy during the Advent sharing circle at dinner.

Someday my kids may tell the stories of the traditions they loved doing as kids and how annoyed they were with other parts, but they will have stories to tell and memories to laugh about. And maybe when their worlds get a little upside down, the traditions and stories and memories of love and laughter will help them know that it's going to be alright.

We got the perfect tree. We named him Peppers (the last name of a University of Michigan football player, lol).

Our elf Keith Babu, a former WWE wrestling action figure, is pretty buff. We sometimes forget to move him. And sometimes we forget to be the tooth fairy and Keith comes to the rescue. I love magic.