2015 Was A Hell of a Year

Maybe it's because Wade, the baby of the family, started kindergarten. Maybe it's because Peyton, the oldest of the family, is taller than his dad now. Maybe it's because of the new wrinkles I seem to find on my face all the time now. Maybe it's because time just seems to be moving so fast.  Whatever the reason, I am "beginning to feel the years" now more than ever. I heard that line in a song that I love by Brandi Carlile the other day and it just sort of felt like exactly how I feel.

This past year was full of big stuff for our family. There was a lot of change--new schools, new jobs, new opportunities. It was also a year of intense feelings-- fear, vulnerability, defeat, anxiety and so much joy and hope and love and light.

Feeling the years isn't so bad. It makes me more grateful. It makes it even clearer to me that it's all so fast and changing all the time. Feeling the years is about feeling more vulnerable and strong and wise and unknowing all at the same time. Feeling the years is about acknowledging and honoring aging, and growing and changing and being less afraid of it all.

Looking back on 2015, I'm struck by all the highs and lows-- 2015 was holding my son's hand in the ER not sure if he would need brain surgery, it was holding my husband who was grief-stricken by the multiple deaths at the high school where he is an assistant principal, it was dancing on stage in my old prom dress in front of 300 people, it was waving to my baby as he confidently walked into his kindergarten class, it was deciding that ADHD medication was the right decision for JT even though it scared us, it was going to Graceland, it was driving across 11 states with my kids, it was getting a bad ass tattoo on my arm, it was encouraging my kids, it was binge-watching Netflix, it was holding Tim's hand while we watched our kids jump off the dock into the lake again and again and again, it was trying to find some sort of life balance as a new working mom, it was listening to the Supreme Court decision about marriage equality on the radio while driving with my kids in the deep south and all of us cheering loudly together, it was putting together a trampoline all by myself, it was trying to explain Paris and South Carolina and San Bernadino to my kids, it was exploring New York City alone, it was laughing with friends, it was getting a puppy, and so much more. 2015 was a hell of a year and I'm feeling it all.

This picture is from my instagram feed. This is the caption, which explains why I go on road trips and what I try to remember throughout the year. "Quiet time on the hotel balcony before day 3 of our adventure. Thinking about how much I love my kids and how lucky I am that I have a husband who gets me and my need to go explore a little. And how funny that sometimes the cure for being afraid of the world is going out and seeing that is full of so much good, it really is."

Here's our year in review video with THE song from Brandi Carlile:

A Year In Review-- 2015 from Jumping With My Fingers Crossed on Vimeo.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from 2015, a hell of a year:

sparklers on my birthday cake every year!

Hopes for 2015

I'm not making resolutions really because I know that's not what we are supposed to do.  Right?  Making resolutions in January is just a recipe for disappointment, a set up for failure.  I don't want that.  I've done that too many times.  I mean "learn to speak French" has been on my resolution list for the past 15 years and I still can't speak it, talk about failure.  Womp. Womp.

And frankly, I'm over feeling like a failure.  The past few months left me in a bit of a funk.  This fall I tried to find a job and nothing came together (one place hired me and I couldn't get a babysitter, another place rejected me and I cried).  Parts of the holidays made me feel anxious because of leftover issues from my childhood that I just can't shake and a little bit of bad wiring and that just makes me feel like I failed therapy.  Then I got the flu and that just sucked.  

"You seem sort of um, I don't know...," Tim gently tried to describe my state-of-self the other day.

"Flat," I said.  

"Yes, exactly that," he sighed with relief.

Flat, deflated, unexpressive...these are words that are not me.  Quiet? Okay maybe sometimes.  Reflective? Sure.  But flat? Nope.  

So, enough!  Enough feeling blah. Fuck feeling flat and like a failure. It is January, 2015, I'm half-way through being 40 and sooo over feeling like I should be better and do better and speak French.  Instead of resolutions, I am making a list of things I hope happen or I hope I will do this year.  "Hope" seems more wishful less accountable-y and failure-y.  

1. I hope I run as much as I can because running saves me.  I live to run, run to live or something like that.  It is the only cure to my anxiety and depression.  Even a slow mile on a treadmill makes me think more clearly. So, I vow/hope (not resolve) to run more, everyday if I can.  Even if I run in place in my kitchen, I will do it.

2. I hope I get to be on a stage somewhere doing something interesting.  I discovered my love of stages in 2014 and I really don't want to go back to not being on one ever.

3. I hope I learn to make healthier meals for my family because I want them to be healthy and happy and strong.

4. I hope I go to more outdoor concerts.

5. I hope I get to visit a big city this year. Maybe BlogHer in New York city in July?

6. I hope I go on road trips because my god I love road trips. 

7. I hope it snows and the pond freezes and my whole family can go ice skating together this winter.

8. I hope my beloved dog, Cosi, likes my new puppy.

Our new puppy, Rufus, comes home later in January. 

9. I hope we can figure out how to grow grass in our backyard when all the kids play football and baseball and soccer and tag all the time (and I don't want them to stop!).

10. I hope I run in a race because I love races.  Where else can you run through a street and have people cheer you on and clap for you? Right? It's awesome.

11. I hope I climb the dunes on the shores of Lake Michigan again this summer.

12. I hope I'm not as scattered this year.

Being in the right year might help me to be less scattered.  On January 1, 2015 I noticed the chalkboard in my kitchen hadn't been updated in a couple years. Ha!

13. I hope I laugh a lot this year.

14. I hope I dance a lot this year.

15. I hope I finally get that tattoo I wanted all of 2014.

I bought this fake tattoo for myself for Christmas.  Fun! 

16. I hope I see old friends.

17. I hope I get a job.

18. I hope I beat Tim at ping pong.

Santa brought a ping pong table to our house and I think that Tim and I are having the most fun with it. I have never played ping pong before and I LOVE it.  I have successfully beaten all of my kids and am determined to take down Tim. 

19. I hope I write some really killer pieces that make me feel proud and alive creatively.

20. And yeah, okay, I hope I learn a little French.

"You have to choose your combinations carefully. The right choices will enhance your quilt. The wrong choices will dull the colors and hide their original beauty.  There are no rules you can follow. You have to go by instinct and you have to be brave." Whitney Otto, How to Make An American Quilt.
I love this quote and this quilt.  I found the quilt at my dad's when I was visiting.  My mother's mother made it. I brought it home with me.

I'm wrapping myself up in colors and stories and inspirational quotes and hope to be brave and make some good choices in 2015.

This is a colorful anthem for the beginning of the new year. Seriously, this song will unflatten you if you feel a little flat ight now.  

 

What are YOUR hopes for 2015?