2016 Hopes

Last year instead of resolutions I declared my hopes for 2015.  I felt like it was less upsetting if I didn't accomplish my hopes because I could just simply keep hoping. Right?  Looking back, some of my hopes came true and some didn't (and that's totally okay because maybe I'll still hope for them or maybe my hopes changed).

I hoped for things like making healthier meals for my family and to be honest if I were grading my hopes, I'd give myself a C on that one. I made a few new healthy meals but nothing really monumental or life-changing. I'll keep hoping for that one.

In 2015, I hoped for a tattoo and I got one. Woot. Woot.  I also hoped to go to a big city and go on a road trip. Checked those hopes off my hope list.

Some of my hopes for 2016 are:

• I hope I embrace meditating. I've tried before, but just can't get down with it. I'm hoping I can get into it. It's either that or some sort of adult ADHD med, ugh.

• I hope that I consistently go to bed earlier. How boring. Waaaaa. But dude, sleep matters. The end.

• I hope I actually mail more of the thank you cards that I write (maybe the meditating or the ADHD med will help with this hope).

• I hope I go on another road trip because I live for road trips with my kids.

• I hope I see Hamilton. The Broadway show is coming to Chicago in the fall and dammit I want to go so badly!

• I hope I go to more movies. I LOVE movies in the movie theaters.

• I hope I fall in love with a book or two or three this year.

• I hope I go skiing more this winter. I went for the first time in over 12 years with JT on New Year's Day and I fell in love with it all over again. 

• I hope I dance more because, duh.

• I hope I become better at texting people back. I'm the worst. I read the text messages and then answer them in my head and never type anything. Ahhhhhh! I really hope I get better at that.

On the first Monday back to school and work this year, I had my first experience as a preschool teacher assistant helping kids put on their snow gear to go outside. And woah, it was intense. It was actually pretty hilarious and ridiculous and there were mittens and gloves and boots everywhere and kids that had to go to the bathroom after they got dressed, and by the time we got everyone ready there was no time for recess and it made me laugh so hard.  We took the kids for a walk in the fresh snow and made tracks and caught snowflakes on our tongues and talked about how we were going to be faster next time and go to the bathroom before the snowpants and coats and boots and gloves.  And then we laughed some more.

It was the perfect way to kick off the new year. It was a moment full of chaos and cuteness and laughter and hopes that we'd get better at things. Sort of everything I want out of and hope for 2016.

This isn't a new song but it's the song I choose as my new year kick off song, because it's hopeful and I love it and anything can happen!!! Play this and dance and think about all your hopes for 2016!

(click here to watch the video)

Love John Oliver's take on resolutions, "it's about managing dissapointment." Lol. 

(click here to watch the video)

Hopes for 2015

I'm not making resolutions really because I know that's not what we are supposed to do.  Right?  Making resolutions in January is just a recipe for disappointment, a set up for failure.  I don't want that.  I've done that too many times.  I mean "learn to speak French" has been on my resolution list for the past 15 years and I still can't speak it, talk about failure.  Womp. Womp.

And frankly, I'm over feeling like a failure.  The past few months left me in a bit of a funk.  This fall I tried to find a job and nothing came together (one place hired me and I couldn't get a babysitter, another place rejected me and I cried).  Parts of the holidays made me feel anxious because of leftover issues from my childhood that I just can't shake and a little bit of bad wiring and that just makes me feel like I failed therapy.  Then I got the flu and that just sucked.  

"You seem sort of um, I don't know...," Tim gently tried to describe my state-of-self the other day.

"Flat," I said.  

"Yes, exactly that," he sighed with relief.

Flat, deflated, unexpressive...these are words that are not me.  Quiet? Okay maybe sometimes.  Reflective? Sure.  But flat? Nope.  

So, enough!  Enough feeling blah. Fuck feeling flat and like a failure. It is January, 2015, I'm half-way through being 40 and sooo over feeling like I should be better and do better and speak French.  Instead of resolutions, I am making a list of things I hope happen or I hope I will do this year.  "Hope" seems more wishful less accountable-y and failure-y.  

1. I hope I run as much as I can because running saves me.  I live to run, run to live or something like that.  It is the only cure to my anxiety and depression.  Even a slow mile on a treadmill makes me think more clearly. So, I vow/hope (not resolve) to run more, everyday if I can.  Even if I run in place in my kitchen, I will do it.

2. I hope I get to be on a stage somewhere doing something interesting.  I discovered my love of stages in 2014 and I really don't want to go back to not being on one ever.

3. I hope I learn to make healthier meals for my family because I want them to be healthy and happy and strong.

4. I hope I go to more outdoor concerts.

5. I hope I get to visit a big city this year. Maybe BlogHer in New York city in July?

6. I hope I go on road trips because my god I love road trips. 

7. I hope it snows and the pond freezes and my whole family can go ice skating together this winter.

8. I hope my beloved dog, Cosi, likes my new puppy.

Our new puppy, Rufus, comes home later in January. 

9. I hope we can figure out how to grow grass in our backyard when all the kids play football and baseball and soccer and tag all the time (and I don't want them to stop!).

10. I hope I run in a race because I love races.  Where else can you run through a street and have people cheer you on and clap for you? Right? It's awesome.

11. I hope I climb the dunes on the shores of Lake Michigan again this summer.

12. I hope I'm not as scattered this year.

Being in the right year might help me to be less scattered.  On January 1, 2015 I noticed the chalkboard in my kitchen hadn't been updated in a couple years. Ha!

13. I hope I laugh a lot this year.

14. I hope I dance a lot this year.

15. I hope I finally get that tattoo I wanted all of 2014.

I bought this fake tattoo for myself for Christmas.  Fun! 

16. I hope I see old friends.

17. I hope I get a job.

18. I hope I beat Tim at ping pong.

Santa brought a ping pong table to our house and I think that Tim and I are having the most fun with it. I have never played ping pong before and I LOVE it.  I have successfully beaten all of my kids and am determined to take down Tim. 

19. I hope I write some really killer pieces that make me feel proud and alive creatively.

20. And yeah, okay, I hope I learn a little French.

"You have to choose your combinations carefully. The right choices will enhance your quilt. The wrong choices will dull the colors and hide their original beauty.  There are no rules you can follow. You have to go by instinct and you have to be brave." Whitney Otto, How to Make An American Quilt.
I love this quote and this quilt.  I found the quilt at my dad's when I was visiting.  My mother's mother made it. I brought it home with me.

I'm wrapping myself up in colors and stories and inspirational quotes and hope to be brave and make some good choices in 2015.

This is a colorful anthem for the beginning of the new year. Seriously, this song will unflatten you if you feel a little flat ight now.  

 

What are YOUR hopes for 2015?

Amazing

2013 was both teaching and learning, crying and laughing, happy and sad and frustrating and infuriating.  It was same-old-same-old and life-changing.  It was a year.  It was life--all the good and bad parts.

I can tell you that 2013 wasn't my favorite year because some of the bad parts were harder than I ever imagined they could be.  But I can also tell you that the good parts were indeed amazing.  

One of my favorite pictures of Lucy from last year.

Here's a look back at some of my family's stories of 2013.

2013 Montage from Jumping With My Fingers Crossed on Vimeo.

So, there's nothing wrong with hoping for more amazing in 2014 is there?

Wishing you a year filled with more good parts than bad and much more amazing.

Here are a few more highlights from 2013:

The time my lifelong dream came true when I got to visit SouthFork Ranch last spring.

The time I got some Me Time & got a little crazy.

The time I met (and totally impressed) a celebrity.

The time I got fancy with fake eyelashes.

The time I packed up the minivan and went on a VERY long road trip, just me and the four kids.

And of course all the times I danced in 2013 (or at least that were caught on video).

If you wish, head on over to my YouTube channel to check out more videos.  Click here, while you are there subscribe to get a new video every week.

Don't Push It

Run through the pain. Isn't that what they say?  No pain, no gain.  Wait is that right?  Feel the burn.  Okay, I know that one is totally from the eighties and proven incorrect today, right? Oh hell, I don't know. 
Are you there Google? It's me, Angela.

The pain in my calf was burning that was for sure.  Luckily, I had my trusty iPhone with me on the treadmill.  As I was hobbling through my run, I googled "should I run through extreme calf pain."  No one has ever accused me of not being able to multitask, um, duh, I'm a mom.  Google gave me a million articles that basically all said "stop running dummy and rest."

I begrudgingly gave in and limped back to the locker room.  I was a sad sight.

After a quick shower, I propped my pathetic, aching calf up on a table and waited out my remaining 30 minutes of available child care at my gym.   Friends stopped by to say hi and I told them about my injury.  

"It's bad," I told them.  "I might need crutches." Crutches were the only way I could justify skipping out on a workout.  I mean come on, a sore calf?  What a wimp.  But honestly, I had no basis for the crutches, except I knew I was in a lot of pain.


I've often pushed a little too hard.

In the past, I vowed to make certain people like me or else.  I would laugh at their jokes harder than others, I would tell funnier stories than others.   I made it my job to prove how awesome I could be. Think "you're gonna love me" all  Jennifer Hudson style in the Dream Girls song And I Am Telling You and you get the picture.


I pushed and pushed.
Usually, my pushing made those chosen people turn and run the other way.  In the audition process I would often forget to take care of me.  I'd forget to protect my heart (not to mention my pride).

Running has been a passion of mine since JT (my third child) was a baby.

After my first (and only, so far) marathon.

Checking out the 5-K course of the Hometown Hustle.

Girls on the Run 5K with my girl. 

The Great Race a Pittsburgh Family Tradition/Rite of Passage.

I love the solitude.  I love running with my kids.   I love the challenge. I love the control. I love the cheering at a race.  Seriously, I think everyone should run at least one 5K just for the cheering alone.  Where else can you get a crowd of people cheering for you?  

But just like all those ex-boyfriends and mean girls of my past, I pushed too hard with the running.  I was all  Salt n' Pepa "Can't you hear the music pumping hard like I wish you would..."  Laced up in bad shoes and not willing to back down, I ran and ran without much thought.  I forgot to protect my body.  Then my calf muscle was like "yo, hey lady, stop, just stop already."  That was three weeks ago and I ignored and ignored and ran and ran.  As if I had learned nothing in all my years of pushing too hard.



Until yesterday, when the calf gave out and I gave in--there was no more pushing.

At the physical therapist appointment later in the afternoon, I was telling jokes and trying to make her love me (old habits die hard, give me a break).  She reassured me that with the right stretches and therapy I would be fine.  No crutches.

"Don't push it," she told me as I was limping out the front door.

Maybe that's my resolution: Dear Me, Don't Push It.

I like it.  I won't push myself on other people obnoxiously, I won't push my body to extreme exhaustion and dehydration, I won't push myself at the expense of myself or others. I won't push busy schedules until we all burn out. I won't push my expectations for a perfect happy family adventure all the damn time.

New year, new me and I won't push it.  For now, I will wait a couple weeks to get my run on again.  I will try not to gain five pounds.  I will try and relax and heal.  And not push it. 



  

Hello Goodbye

I spent a while in the car ride home from our post-Christmas Christmas in Pittsburgh writing a badass blog post.

Okay, yeah I was on Twitter and Facebook a lot too.

A post about resolving to be the best wife, daughter, friend, mother person EVAH.  But then in a moment reminiscent of a really bad day in college or one of my first few days when I wrote for a newspaper...I didn't hit save and all was lost.  All of my really badass blogging was gone, lost in cyberspace.

After arriving back home in Michigan and getting the kids to bed, I sat down to hit the publish key to share all my prolific new year's thoughts and realized my mistake.  And I cried.  And told my husband I hated him.  "I hate you too, " my husband said without missing a beat.  Then he gave me a kiss and said "just write something else honey, no worries."  And then I cried again and started writing, again.  Here it is, attempt at a badass blog post round two.

New Years Eve and Day is such a strange time.  It's celebration and reflection.  It's past and future.  It's sad and happy.  It's an end and a beginning.  It's hello and goodbye.

It marks the end of an extremely f#&*ing long holiday season.  And the beginning of a new year ripe with possibility.  It's full of promise and possibility--a new outlook, a new waistline, a new life, a new you.  It's all shoot for the stars, go for the gold.  At least until mid-January, when people realize many of the resolutions aren't going to happen.  Womp. Womp.

But it's not mid-January yet.  I'm all like "hey you, new year, hello, can't wait to see what happens and how great we're going to get along."  I'm in the Hello Phase.

This year I'm going to carve out more alone time, be more social, eat healthier, be a more patient parent, run longer and farther, stretch more, read more books and less entertainment web sites, eat more vegetables, learn to speak french, travel, get more sleep, write more, relax more, learn to sew, paint a canvass, learn the piano, be a more patient wife, care less about what people think, clean my house more often, respond to emails in a more timely fashion, remember to RSVP to parties, organize my closet, organize my drawers, organize my house, organize my life, play more, laugh more, love more and chill the fuck out more.

Since New Year's Eve and Day is so strange, not only am I looking ahead, but I'm looking back too.  As I reflect on 2012, the fact that the years are going by faster becomes even more real.  Thinking back to all the bedtime stories and ticklebacks or the middle of the night "it will be okays," the baseball games, the make believe magic, the backyard field of dreams, the hugs, the tears, the long talks, the family movie nights and road trips---it's bittersweet. 

I'm excited to see who my children are becoming, but knowing these sweet moments will never come again the same sweet way makes my heart ache.

There are a million little things that I will miss from 2012 and there are quite a few that I won't miss.  I won't miss the incredibly loooooong recovery process from Tim's shoulder surgery.  Yes, my husband is still sore from the surgery he had a million years ago in October.  I won't miss packing up a household and moving.  I won't miss changing diapers since baby Wade has been potty trained.

As I think back, I'm all like "hey, wait last year, I'm going to miss you, you taught me so much, I don't want you to leave yet." I'm in the Goodbye Phase.

Usually you can't be in two phases at one time.  It's a rule, right?  There has to be a rule about that.

Or maybe I'm just overcomplicating things.  Maybe it's really amazing.  To be in a moment where I feel a million emotions.  To be in a moment full of gratitude.  To be in a moment full of anticipation.  Maybe it's really simple.

"The answer to everything is simple," Paul McCartney said in an 1967 interview with Disc.  Explaining his song Hello Goodbye he said, "It's a song about everything and nothing.  If you have black, you have to have white.  That's the amazing thing about life."

The song that inspired it all:

Sure, I'm all Hello Goodbye, and it's pretty sweet.  Happy New Year. And Happy Last Year too.