Monday, November 25, 2013

I Just Can't

"You can't kill her!," wailed Lucy.  "Not Beans!!!!!"

There was some drama in the house recently.  Drama involving a mouse that apparently my kind-hearted children named Beans.  

We had our suspicions, we heard noises.  So, we set a trap.  A humane glue trap per our kids' request.  And we caught a mouse that according to Lucy was "soooooo cute." Whatever.  I never even looked at the thing.

The mouse, I mean Beans, was stuck to the glue trap in a large bucket that I asked the kids to set outside to wait for Tim to handle when he came home from work.  Each of the younger kids took turns going outside to visit with and check on Beans.    

"Mom, why don't you like dogs, deers, frogs and Beans?," Wade asked me all wide-eyed and innocent.    

"I like them, I just don't want to be around most of those animals," I said.

The morning after the mouse drama, I stared down three deer in my front yard.  There I was sitting on my front porch sort of hiding behind a tree watching Peyton and making sure he got on the middle school bus.  I used to watch from the sidewalk but he told me that was creepy.  So, now I hide behind a tree in the dark on my porch, nothing creepy about that.  Anyway, there I was waiting, watching when three deer just clip-clopped arrogantly up the sidewalk.  

They made their way into my front yard mere steps away from my perch on the porch.  We glared at each other.  I pounded my fist on the table to scare them and I swear they laughed at me.  Okay, maybe they sneered and snorted or just stared but they definitely didn't move.  They didn't move until they wanted to.  Those deer were in control. 
Source: Pinterest

Just like Beans reigned over my side door, the door leading to my minivan.  While Beans waited in the bucket stuck to the glue trap, I used the front door and moved the minivan to the street. When Tim did finally get home, he and the kids bundled up to take Beans to his new residence, the woods.  They sadly said good-bye to Beans and wished him well on his new adventures.

While I am inspired by my family's sweetness and big-heartedness, I just can't.  I can't do it. I don't wish animals any harm, but I just don't like them very much or at all.  And sometimes I feel guilty about it.  (It does make me feel better that Tina Fey doesn't like animals either).

“I have no affinity for animals. I don’t hate animals and I would never hurt an animal; I just don’t actively care about them. When a coworker shows me cute pictures of her dog, I struggle to respond correctly, like an autistic person who has been taught to recognize human emotions from flash cards. In short, I am the worst.”

― Tina FeyBossypants


But seriously, what the hell nature?  It's like they (all of nature) know that I can't handle it.  It's like Beans told the deer and the deer told the squirrels and the squirrels told the rabbit "you want to have some fun? just go walk by that lady in the brown house, all you have to do is walk by and she will fuuurrreak out."

The animals are f@&(ing with me.

I've showed this clip before because it's funny.  I don't watch the show, The Family Guy, but Tim loves it.  And this is funny.


  1. We caught a mouse humanely in our old home. And yes, we (all 6 of us) had to release it back into the wild. It was almost like a party. I'm not partial to rodents. I couldn't kill it either though :)

  2. I'm not a mouse in the house fan. But I thought all glue traps stuck them so tight that they eventually died on I was all "huh? a humane glue trap?" We have lots of animals here, but they've been invited in. The ones that aren't can move right along, thankyouverymuch.