Monday, December 31, 2012

Hello Goodbye

I spent a while in the car ride home from our post-Christmas Christmas in Pittsburgh writing a badass blog post.

Okay, yeah I was on Twitter and Facebook a lot too.

A post about resolving to be the best wife, daughter, friend, mother person EVAH.  But then in a moment reminiscent of a really bad day in college or one of my first few days when I wrote for a newspaper...I didn't hit save and all was lost.  All of my really badass blogging was gone, lost in cyberspace.

After arriving back home in Michigan and getting the kids to bed, I sat down to hit the publish key to share all my prolific new year's thoughts and realized my mistake.  And I cried.  And told my husband I hated him.  "I hate you too, " my husband said without missing a beat.  Then he gave me a kiss and said "just write something else honey, no worries."  And then I cried again and started writing, again.  Here it is, attempt at a badass blog post round two.

New Years Eve and Day is such a strange time.  It's celebration and reflection.  It's past and future.  It's sad and happy.  It's an end and a beginning.  It's hello and goodbye.

It marks the end of an extremely f#&*ing long holiday season.  And the beginning of a new year ripe with possibility.  It's full of promise and possibility--a new outlook, a new waistline, a new life, a new you.  It's all shoot for the stars, go for the gold.  At least until mid-January, when people realize many of the resolutions aren't going to happen.  Womp. Womp.

But it's not mid-January yet.  I'm all like "hey you, new year, hello, can't wait to see what happens and how great we're going to get along."  I'm in the Hello Phase.

This year I'm going to carve out more alone time, be more social, eat healthier, be a more patient parent, run longer and farther, stretch more, read more books and less entertainment web sites, eat more vegetables, learn to speak french, travel, get more sleep, write more, relax more, learn to sew, paint a canvass, learn the piano, be a more patient wife, care less about what people think, clean my house more often, respond to emails in a more timely fashion, remember to RSVP to parties, organize my closet, organize my drawers, organize my house, organize my life, play more, laugh more, love more and chill the fuck out more.

Since New Year's Eve and Day is so strange, not only am I looking ahead, but I'm looking back too.  As I reflect on 2012, the fact that the years are going by faster becomes even more real.  Thinking back to all the bedtime stories and ticklebacks or the middle of the night "it will be okays," the baseball games, the make believe magic, the backyard field of dreams, the hugs, the tears, the long talks, the family movie nights and road trips---it's bittersweet. 

I'm excited to see who my children are becoming, but knowing these sweet moments will never come again the same sweet way makes my heart ache.

There are a million little things that I will miss from 2012 and there are quite a few that I won't miss.  I won't miss the incredibly loooooong recovery process from Tim's shoulder surgery.  Yes, my husband is still sore from the surgery he had a million years ago in October.  I won't miss packing up a household and moving.  I won't miss changing diapers since baby Wade has been potty trained.

As I think back, I'm all like "hey, wait last year, I'm going to miss you, you taught me so much, I don't want you to leave yet." I'm in the Goodbye Phase.

Usually you can't be in two phases at one time.  It's a rule, right?  There has to be a rule about that.

Or maybe I'm just overcomplicating things.  Maybe it's really amazing.  To be in a moment where I feel a million emotions.  To be in a moment full of gratitude.  To be in a moment full of anticipation.  Maybe it's really simple.

"The answer to everything is simple," Paul McCartney said in an 1967 interview with Disc.  Explaining his song Hello Goodbye he said, "It's a song about everything and nothing.  If you have black, you have to have white.  That's the amazing thing about life."

The song that inspired it all:

Sure, I'm all Hello Goodbye, and it's pretty sweet.  Happy New Year. And Happy Last Year too.

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