Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I Support Nature, But I Don't Like It

I support nature, but I don't like it.  I take that back.  Trees are fine.  Flowers, who doesn't like flowers?  I do.  The ocean, lakes, rivers....I like them a lot.  

What I really mean is I don't like animals in nature.  I am a huge scaredy cat. 

This is me trying to film the beautiful butterfly for my children, but then the damn thing flies right at me.  Terrifying!

Bugs don't bother me as much as all other living creatures in the wild such as mice, moles, raccoons, bats, deer and ducks.  Even squirrels.  Actually I might dislike squirrels the most.

We live on a tree-lined street across from a park where everyone thinks it is so cute to feed the squirrels and ducks.  Everyone but me.  Because what you end up with are squirrels that think it is their quaint little tree-lined street and you are just visiting.

Anyway, squirrels are weird, especially cocky, well-fed park squirrels.  They are as big as cats and are not afraid of humans whatsoever.   One time I called the cops on those asshole squirrels.  You read that right, I called the cops.

Here is how it went down: one day, what seems like a million years ago when I only had two children who napped every afternoon, I looked out my window to see 30 squirrels in my tiny front yard.  And there were two more laying spread eagle on my small front porch, laying flat on their stomachs with their paws, arms whatever sprawled out.  Three more were rolling on their backs on the sidewalk.  

It was insane.  It looked like the end of the world was near.  Cars were slowing down and staring at the crazy squirrels in my yard.  I started to panic.  I called my husband at work.

"Honey, there is a problem here," I said in a high pitched voice.  "There are squirrels everywhere!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked my poor husband who clearly believed I was finally going crazy.  "Sorry, but I don't really have time for this. Maybe you should call animal control."  

"What can we do for you?" the cheerful woman at animal control asked me.  
"I have almost 50 squirrels in my front yard acting very strange," I explained as I watched the mad squirrels.

"You are calling about squirrels?" she asked with an all you-must-be-kidding-me-lady tone in her voice.

"Yes, I am calling a bout squirrels that must be sick or something, I really think they might bite someone that walks by," I said thinking the public threat might warrant the call.  She told me they would send someone out soon.

I paced frantically, waiting.  But then just like teenagers drinking at a high school house party, all the squirrels ran in separate directions out of my yard and off my porch. Just as the police car animal control sent pulled up to my driveway.  Seriously?

The officer got out of his car, pulled up his belt and looked around.  "I am here about squirrels?" he said.

"Yes, there were just about 60 squirrels here just a few minutes ago," I desperately explained.

"Riiiiiiiggghhht," he said looking unconvinced.  "Well, you just let us know if there is ever a squirrel problem again ma'm."  

Those damn squirrels.

Even the deer scare me, maybe because of an old show that was on that showed a deer attacking an innocent man.  Or maybe because they too seem so unafraid of humans.

I was running in the park recently and came a across a group of four deer.  If there had been a group of knife-wielding muggers I would've been less afraid.  Never have I run so fast and with such purpose....flee the wild deer!

I try to hide my fear/dislike of wild animals so my kids won't do as I do. But it doesn't seem to bother them.  In fact, they seem amused by the whole thing and I don't trust them to not use my fear against me. Like when we are walking by a group of smug ducks in the park and Lucy looks at me and says, "You scared of these little ducks mom?"  She is making fun of me!

Those damn kids.

And don't even get me started on those damn jellyfish.

A most hilarious, and I find quite relatable, scene from "Modern Family" that involves a wild pigeon.

1 comment:

  1. I am afraid of the butterfly house at the zoo. I tell my kids I am highly allergic to butterflies. I walked in once, had a panic attack and had to run out. So I can relate.