Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Housewife Effect

When I was little, I used to play soap opera.  My mother would be folding laundry watching One Life to Live (OLTL).  I would be stuffing unfolded laundry under my shirt pretending I was Karen from OLTL and I was pregnant, but didn't know who the father was.  Yup.

Soap operas and television raised me, right along side a crazy mother.  No wonder I am so f#&*ed up.  

Friday nights as a kid were awesome: Dukes of Hazard, followed by Dallas and then if I could stay awake Falcon's Crest.  

I can remember benchmarks in my life and the world with what was happening on TV or in pop culture.  

The day President Reagan got shot I remember sitting on the bus after school.  "The president has been shot!," a frantic teacher shouted to our driver.  I felt small.  My parents were in Paris.  My grandmother was taking care of us.  I stuck my hands in the pockets of my new green rain coat and clinched my fists.  I wanted to be home.  I wanted my parents.  I was six.  I was scared.

My grandmother, Granny is what we called her, made my sister, brother and me dinner, but I don't remember it.  I remember later that week snuggling in the recliner with her.  I remember the feel of her dry hands holding mine.  I remember her rings.  I remember watching Dallas with her.  I remember feeling loved as she laughed at how "rotten" J.R. was.

Happy years were early days of The Cosby Show, reruns and new episodes of Dallas and my parents still being married. Rough years were waiting for my mom to come home from the bar while watching Miami Vice or Hunter after my parents split up.  

The constant for me has always been TV.  Sure sometimes that whole suspension of disbelief has screwed with my sense of realty.  But overall it has provided me comfort, escapism and entertainment.

It just makes perfect sense that a TV/soap opera junkie like me would end up being a Real Housewives fan. And I am. I love Bravo channel's Housewives of New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, etc. 
I watch.  I relate.  I escape.
I'm a legit Bravo fan, the hat is from the Orange County season.  It was a Christmas gift from my real life pal Stephanie last year.  Evil eye!
Here's my amateur/expert opinion of what I call The Housewife Effect.  

  • It is completely appropriate to get drunk once or twice a week.
  • I want to throw a party for every small or big event in my life.
  • Anyone, and I mean anyone, can have a single and sell it on iTunes. 
  • I know what a Step and Repeat is and know how to pose bitch.
  • There always has to be someone you are against. A villain in your storyline.
  • If you want to get more of a storyline, stir it up. It's all about controversy.
  • A girls' trip is a girls' trip, for Christ's sake don't bring your f#&*ing boyfriend or husband.
I've always dreamed of doing a TV show intro.  And well, um, I made a very roughly edited, short (51 seconds) one last night.  I came up with three versions actually of my very own Real Housewife introduction.  Watch here and tell me which one you like best: #1 Crazy, #2 Bitch or #3 Broke. 

No seriously, leave a comment and tell me which Real Housewife Intro you like for me.  Maybe I'll submit it to Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live.

What would your intro be?  Leave a comment with your intro or hell, make a video and leave the link. And don't forget to vote. C'mon, have some fun.

Here's a sneak peek of the new season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. OMG.


  1. Replies
    1. So glad you thought it was funny! Thank you for voting!

  2. Real Housewives of Detroit...Awesome. You need to hold a Michigan fruit though, cherries? So funny.

    1. Real Housewives of Detroit! I love it and the cherry idea is brilliant. Thanks for watching!