Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Bully Is Me

On a recent yearly check up at the doctor I was shocked at the number I saw on the scale.  "That's crazy," I shrieked like a crazy lady said.  I mean, I know I drink a lot of red wine and maybe had too much Nutella over the past year.  And the whole no sleep thing is definitely a factor.

"Yeah, your metabolism slows way down when you get old," the nurse told me nodding at the numbers.

Where's the "er"?  She meant "old-er" right?

I am getting old-er.  And supposedly fatter.  But hopefully wiser.  Oh god, I hope wiser.

This is the post where I come to terms with my pear shape and confront my inner bully.  

We live in such a confusing world. Duh, I know.  We applaud celebrities like Chistina Aguilira for embracing her new curves and telling it to the man (her record label) with great shit like this:  "I told them...'You are working with a fat girl. Know it now and get over it.' They need a reminder sometimes that I don't belong to them. It's my body."

I've never hid my love of the Kardashians.  The fact that Kim K. has such a large backside just makes me love her more and I don't think I'm alone.

So while these celebrities are being embraced for their curves, other people are being bullied for theirs.  Like the now famous newsanchor in Wisconsin, Jennifer Livingston.  She got to tell her critic off on TV and be a guest on Ellen.  Awesome.

But what do you do when the critic/bully is yourself?  You see, my booty doesn't match Kim K's, but it is getting bigger.  One part of my brain says "embrace it you sexy thang you" (yeah I talk to myself in my head with dumb words like thang, so what) or "curves are in style girl, you are finally fitting in."  That part of my brain knows that I could make some healthier choices, but forgives myself.

The other part of my brain says "you are so fat, what the hell?" and "you should never wear shorts again, ever."  That part of my brain suggests "wouldn't it be nice if we had an extra $5,000 for a boob job to balance out the whole situation."  (Yes friends, my brain just called my body "situation" ala Jersey Shore, but yet so different.)

Here's the thing, I have no answer here.  This is not a post where I have figured it all out and I share what I know.  I am paying forward nothing.  That first part of my brain is telling me I should tell you "we all come in different shapes and sizes" and "it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts."  The other part of my brain is yelling at the first part to "shut the f#*k up."

Picture my brain like those old Tom and Jerry cartoons where there was an angel and a devil on each shoulder arguing for their side.  That's pretty much the scene going on in there.  I think we all have an inner critic/bully or a demon on our shoulder. 

Whitney Houston was right, learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all.  I wish I'd paid more attention to those lyrics as I belted them out as a kid.  Now as an old-er, wiser and possibly fatter grown up I know I have to tell off my bully. It may not get me on Ellen (and might look a bit odd when I'm yelling into the mirror), but I'll tell that bully where to go.  And I'll feel strong and strut around saying/singing "see, they can't take away my dignity." Until the next time the critic/bully shows itself and then I'll kick it's ass again. And again.  And again.

The good/rational/loving/forgiving part of my brain will win again and again and again.

Tina Fey's as Liz Lemon on 30 Rock has a pep talk looks all too familiar.

We all need to be more like Alec Baldwin's character from 30 Rock (file that in the things I never thought I would seriously say folder).  His pep talk is a lot nicer:

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