Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I See the Light

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up. — Anne Lamott

This past Sunday I sat in church and felt like the pastor was speaking only to me.  I honestly had one of those "Ally McBeal" TV moments, where I felt like the rest of the world hit pause and he was looking at me and saying "Angela, are you listening?  This is for you." 
A dear friend gave this shirt to me and I LOVE it.  This is what we all want to know, right?  This is what I always want my husband to tell me.  Even though we have been together for 13 years, he forgets. In times of crisis he'll pause and stammer and then say "uh, I love you?"  That's nice, but I need to hear "It's going to be alright."  So, my dear friend wore this so he could have his cue when needed.

The pastor was talking about being overwhelmed with the season, with life.   Remembering that everything was going to be okay.  "God is with you," he told me, I mean the congregation.  He spoke of humility and peace.  He spoke about how Advent begins with darkness and then there is a light.  A light of hope.

Then the choir started to sing "Jesus, Oh What a Wonderful Child."    It was good.  The singer was no Mariah Carey (whose version is amazing), but she was good.  I started to tap my toe and moving side to side to the music.  

I felt happy and sort of at peace.  I looked around and noticed no one else was tapping a toe or moving side to side.  I stopped moving and looked down at my hands to be more full of humility and peace looking.

The past couple weeks have been nuts, just plain f&#*ing nuts.  
Little moments of light all around.

It has been such a strange time full of seemingly two different lives.  One day looking at nursing homes full of kind, but very in need people.  People who need help standing, bathing and pushing the buttons on the vending machines.  To the next day working out at my gym surrounded my young-ish healthy people pushing physical limits on treadmills and elliptical machines.  Then going to my mother's house to get some of her "stuff" organized and getting a whole lot of my past stirred up, things I haven't thought about or felt in years.  And coming home to my sweet children's faces full of all things future.

It has been a time of celebrating traditions and taking care of business.  Emotional, messy business.  Really having to deal with things I haven't wanted to deal with. And at the same time taking care of my babies, my friends, my home and myself.

But it hasn't been all horrible or all hard.  That's the thing.  There have been moments of great lightness.  It has been up and down and all over the place.  But such is life, right?  Sad and funny.  Dark and hilarious.  All at the same time.

Back at church on Sunday, there was a discussion about Advent's darkness and finding the light of the star.  How in order for those stars to shine so bright in the night sky, there has to be darkness.  There has to be both.  

I get it.  I just hope I can live all of it with humility, peace and grace. But I still have to tap my toes and move a little to good songs, even in a pretty conservative church.

If you watch this and don't smile, there is something f*#&ing wrong with you.  If this doesn't bring a little light in your life, I am very sorry for you.

And this is simply a cool song and performance from Coldplay to enjoy:

1 comment:

  1. Hi Angie,
    What can one say, since it seems you always say the right things. From your kids, to your mom and things you are going through with her and I know your life is not a bed of roses but you always look on the bright side of everything. Wish you could teach me how to do that but guess what, I think I am learning:) Bill lost his job after 20 plus years at NASA. Handling that (what else can you do:) Then he starts having problems with his heart (once again) in the hospital for several days. Comes out with more medicine to take which I do not see him getting a lot better. I also went to church Sunday, as always, unless something happens that I cannot go. Our pastor also talks about the Seasons of life. Compares it to Winter, Summer, Fall and Spring. I feel like Winter will never go away. Oh and did I mention that my brother is going in for surgery on his left leg this week. He had his right leg taken off at the knee about 6 months ago and has never recovered from that. He is 61 years old. Too young to have the health problems he has. Lost my oldest sister to cancer this past June after a year long battle. But you know what!!!! I am still blessed by Gods grace. He has been with me the whole time through just as he is with you. And we will both make it...We have God watching over us. He does not promise us happiness always but He does promise us he will never leave us. That is what gets me through the bad times...God bless you and your family. Always know you are in our prayers. Love to all of you (love your letters, they always bring a smile )