Tuesday, April 24, 2012


The wheels won't quit turning. Spinning. Faster and faster.  I want to stop, but can't.

There's so much I need to do.  So much I want to do.  There's not enough time.  Never enough time.  Damn it, why was sleep invented?  I get tired.  I need sleep.  I sleep, but the wheels don't quit turning.

I wake up several times in the night hoping it's morning so I can get started....spinning again.

Morning comes and the wheels are going.  But nothing is getting done.  Piles of papers, kids' school work, bills, magazines stacked precariously high on the kitchen counter.  

I'm feeling overwhelmed.  Impatient.

Some parts of my mind are on fire...alive with creativity and new ideas.  Some parts of mind are pissed...feeling overwhelmed.  Some parts of my mind are confused, darting from idea to idea, bouncing around like a pinball.

I want to stop the wheels of my mind from spinning out of control, but can't.

This is what a brain with what I am convinced is ADHD feels like.  This is my brain. 

Sure it's a little like that scrambled egg in those old "this is your brain on drugs" commercials.  Except I'm not on drugs, but maybe I should be.  Except I don't want to be on drugs, because drugs scare the f*#& out of me (that PSA really stuck with me).

There's been a few articles and television shows about adult ADD/ADHD lately.  Last summer I took a quiz in a magazine, "You Might Have ADD If You Have These Symptoms" checklist.  And guess what?  I won that quiz.  Yay.

A few weeks ago I recorded a program, The Revolution, dealing with this subject.  Of course, I got too distracted and busy and forgot to watch it until it had been erased from my dvr.  But thank god for the internet.  
I watched a clip yesterday and showed it to my husband, Tim.  He and I were both nodding as we watched.  The specialist mentioned things like "trouble staying organized" "trouble sweating the details" "hyper focus and then zone out""frustration" "impatience."  Most of these trouble spots show up in my personal life, i.e. my relationships and my household management skills.

This is a crazy f-ing time to live with ADD, ADHD or borderline self-diagnosed ADD/ADHD.  

The pace of life is faster and faster. The distractions are bigger, better and everywhere.  From Twitter to smart phones we are connected all the damn time.  

Part of my brain loves it.  My creative, driven, artistic part of my brain thinks it's the best time to be alive, ever. Ever. My pinball, pissed off part of my brain is well, um, pissed and wishing it was eighteen hundred something.

You see, when the wheels won't stop spinning I feel incredibly frustrated with myself, and with others.  I read a quote about life, from a blogger that I love.  She wrote that she was "working from a place of stress and compulsion rather than from a place of rest and compassion." Sigh, brilliant. She wasn't referring to anyone's ADD, but man it sure sums up how I'm feeling lately. At least with those crazy pinball parts of my brain, not all of it.

This week, I am going to begin again, again.  I am going to take more deep breaths.  I am going to forgive myself.  I am going to accept others. I am going to slow down. I am going to rest.  I am going to show compassion--to others and myself.

I'm going to love all the parts of my brain, even those damn crazy parts.

Thank god for artists like Ani Difranco, that make crazy complicated look so damn cool.  "I'm a poster girl with no poster" sums me up. Thank you Ani.

Of course before Ani, there was Edie Brickell.  "What I am, is what I am" you know what I mean?

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